24 September 2013

Journal 7


September 24, 2013. Tuesday. Hypomanic. Giddy.

Social anxiety low, but general anxiety about a 3. Went to GP and took xrays, pain 6ish. Xrays came back clean. Got celebrex samples. I guess I go back when I run out. It doesn't seem to be working. I relaxed enough thatI popped my back and hips. Before I was a ball of tension. Oh the conversations to be had when I'm like this. High and Manic. Extra YAY.

I know that if you go by my blog, facebook posts and journal it seems all I do is dance with Mary Jane. In fact, I smoke at a set time and journal my journey for the day. The words flow with greater ease.

Right now Saturday Night LIve is on and it's a two fat ladies parody. I laughed out loud while Buddy napped on my bed. Sir Yvain just looked at me and went back to whatever cats ponder.

If one were to look at my spine from above would they see curvature that an xray doesn't show? According to my chiropractor, my muscles are pulling portions of my spine out of place, if you will. I hypothesize that the problem is greater in my buttocks (my sacrum and coccyx are out more than not), because the muscles are tighter in my ass. As my massage therapist says, "I can bounce a quarter off of your ass." What it is, a big pain in the ass. I'm sure my coccyx is damaged. I've broken or bruised it severely twice. I was in 7th grade. Both the chiropractor and masseuse have to use pressure points to do their job. Shit I don't know what to do.

Anyway.

I feel more social today. But I don't want to go anywhere. That's why online kind of works for me. Though it's obvious on Facebook and the blog what mood I'm in, what point on the spectrum and how severe.

Why so public, Sarah?

To teach compassion and empathy. To have a living record of my innermost thoughts. To show others they're not alone.

It's also very cathartic to release everything.

Your internet name is scary. Why The Rage Consumed? I only bring this up because the doctors, Sharon, and their lawyer tried to use it against me in court.

#1. I listen to extreme metal. Death metal is about rage, or zombies, or current events, or gross things. I write death metal, and some black metal, lyrics. It's just a pen name.

#2. I came up with The Rage Consumed as a stand against injustice. The Rage has been Consumed through my soul against... whatever ... Mount the horses and draw your swords. I see myself as a knight for certain causes. Sorry I went poetic on you for a second.

#3. My mom was in the hospital while fighting stage IV lung cancer. My truck was broke down. I couldn't see her because nobody would take me. My cousin had the balls to tell me that not only was I not handling the situation correctly, I was stupid for going to school rather than working and moving out. My aunt, his mother, then got online and proceeded to cut me down, then came and got her damned dogs at 1 in the fucking morning. So to say I was pissed is an understatement. I was so pissed that it consumed me in a bad way. The. Rage. Consumed.

For what it's worth I sign my paintings Rage and photographs TRC.

It's an artists name.

Why Boudicca? Google Boudicca - Iceni Revolt.

Gruaim is the root word for the Scottish surname, Graham. One of the meanings is to have a stoic look. I look pretty stoic much of the time.

And for those that don't know, I'm a redhead now. This is Dave's 3rd bout with Lymphoma. For the 8 1/2 years we've been together he's always wanted me to go red. 

I did it just to see him genuinely smile. He did.

I'm not sure what Dave sees in me. Our relationship displeases some, but nobody takes into account our happiness. 

Fuckin' cancer.

Fuckin' diabetes.

Fuckin' meds.

I would like to make love to my boyfriend sometime.

I don't know what a libido is anymore. Or what "regular" means. I probably should subject myself to a pap and consult with a real oB. Pretty sure based on my reaction last time, sedation may be a valid option. Anxiety level 1010 OMG MATH GTFO!

My nice is coming over. I like her visits and the fact she's willing to come over here so I don't have to go out helps.

Jesus Christ my ass hurts.

Maybe I can get Dad to spring for a massage and adjustment. Adjustments don't last long though, like literally minutes after an adjustment I can pop my hip and feel pain in the bottom part of my spine. Car rides suck. Pretty well everything sucks. Standing. Sitting. I can lay with a pillow between my legs and be comfortable. Otherwise 10 mins and I'm in pain. There is honestly pain. But the x ray showed nothing. Sigh.

I'm looking at an e-cig. Maybe I can quit that way. The liquid is cheaper than regular cigarettes.

It's been awhile. A few hours. I'm calm after taking evening meds. Going to take my night meds and call it a night. Hopefully tomorrow's better. 

1 comment:

  1. ..and how is your 2014?I just happened upon your blog...very interesting!!Stay strong!!

    ReplyDelete