I look at my nieces and nephew and wonder, am I good enough? Am I really a good enough person to be a role model to them? To be a positive influence in their lives... to be the cool aunt?
I look at Dad and wonder, am I good enough? Do I do enough to make him proud of me? Am I good enough to make him finally love me? Good enough to be a cherished member of the family?
Let's face it. I'm not going to conform to society as much as it tries to break me into its idea of a productive member of society.
I cuss. A lot. It's me. I don't do it to offend, most of the time. To me words are a tool, even the naughty ones. Words only have the power over you that you give them. If you decide you're going to get pissed at the word "pissed" then you're going to get pissed. If you decide it's really not a big deal among adults then your feathers aren't going to get ruffled if I say "One of my aunts is a fucking bitch, and her daughter seemingly has the education of a 3rd grader." OH NO SHE CUSSED.
I'm going to have mixed episodes in which my volatility is remarkably higher. I may snap at a perceived snarl or words taken the wrong way. Chances are you have or will witness one of my famous meltdowns where I'm "ranting and raving like a lunatic." I know it's hard to love me when I'm like this... but a parent should love a child unconditionally.
I'm going to get depressed. I'm going to stop talking to you for long periods of time because I can't even get the energy up to do anything beyond bathroom and zapping something in the microwave. You're not going to want to be around me because of my negative emotions.
I'm going to have happy days where I just drive you nuts and make you want to choke the ever living shit out of me because I won't shut up or I get stuck on the same subject and you get tired of hearing about it. That's me in a manic phase. If you love me unconditionally this won't really bother you and you'll think that I'm fun if you could get used to me. If you don't, well I'm going to push you away because I can sense that you're tired of me.
I often wonder, am I good enough?
Shit yes. I have a lot to offer the world if people would just listen with their hearts.