11 December 2012

What's Up?

I realize I'm probably typing to nobody, but here it goes.

I started this blog to journal the ups and downs and my thoughts. I chose to let others know what's inside my mind to educate the public about mental illness. It was began to help me communicate to a friend what I go through every day... how much pain I was in while dealing with grief and bipolar. My meds had stopped working and we began the long journey of finding the right medications for me.

This blog has been my life. It helped me through rough times, and hopefully it helps others in theirs.

See, I'm an open book, but a complex one. I'm not afraid to say what is on my mind, nor am I all that concerned about who hears me say it.

On the outside I'm a more masculine looking female metalhead with a big mouth, lots of attitude and quick to call injustices out. On the inside, I'm the same person, but I'm a big softie. I have a ton of adopted animals. I care about others. I have feelings. I am a person just as you are, only I have a mental illness.

Living with this mental illness is hell. The stigma is worse. Because I am who I am and have what I have rumors have been spread over the last few months. People with no knowledge of me whatsoever, who probably wouldn't read this blog if they can even read, who recoil in judgement and fear at the words "mentally ill" have been running their mouths.

She's crazy.
This is crazy.
She has to be stopped.
This is insane.
She's going to kill my babies.
She hears voices.
She's going to kill her father in his sleep.
She said she's going to kill me, my staff and my patients.
She's been more and more unstable as the years go on.
She's a threat to society.
People lost their jobs because of her.

All I did was out corruption and HIPAA violations. I got 5 days in a mental hospital, a new doctor, a new counselor and labeled as having had a psychotic episode.

All people see is a crazy person. They don't see that I'm espousing the truth. They don't hear what I'm saying. They just say OMG SHE'S BIPOLAR. SHE'S HAVING A PSYCHOTIC BREAK! OMG SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS A MENTAL ILLNESS! LET'S GET RESTRAINING ORDERS BASED ON NOTHING!

You know, that kinda pisses me off.

People that don't know me, even a tertiary knowledge of me through this blog, can have so much power over me. I'm not free. Not only am I bound by this blasted bipolar, I have to wonder if I'm going to be picked up and thrown back in the looney bin for no reason other than retaliation and picking on the mentally ill. My constitutional rights to freedom were stomped on based on lies and hearsay and nobody cares. If they do care, they can't do anything about it.

It pisses me off that people feel they have the right to talk about me and my illness like they know what they're talking about and they don't know me. They know OF me... but they don't know me.

That even goes to my Grandma.

At least Dad has made enough of an effort to know what it is I go through every day. Lynn has too. Ladona learns every day.

Few people really know me, and the rights to say that they know me are reserved for them.

1 comment:

  1. I got the chance to see the outside and inside of that person. You are beautiful and I love ya bunches Sarah. There's nothing anyone could say or do to make me believe otherwise.

    As a person, you have been through a lot in your life and if you came out of that without a bit of depression or bi-polar disorder I would think something were really wrong with you. There's NOTHING wrong with you my friend.

    There's something really wrong with the people who continue to harass you when all you are trying to do is heal. That is the true injustice.