Right now I'm feeling pretty damned good. I'm happy. I'm relieved. I'm relaxed.
I saw my counselor today, that helped me get back to trying to be the person I want to be and really am. So, back to the positive.
Despite the road bumps, I am having a great holiday season. I've been through a lot in the last few years, or through my whole life. I could (and used to) think of the past as an excuse for pessimistic and negative life view.
This year, recently, I decided to stop that and be more positive. Positive in my outlook on life, positive in my expectations from life, positive in how I handle myself. I've failed in the last one a few times, but overall it's going good.
If you asked me what I thought of the holiday season last year I would have told you I hate it, there's no joy in it, it's just my dysfunctional family coming together to fuck with me, it's Dad bitching, it's mourning the loss of Mom, it's just a shitty time of year.
Not this year. I've decided to cut some people out of my life that aren't positive for me right now, until I get stronger and work through some issues. It sucks, it doesn't mean I don't love them, they're just unhealthy for me right now and I have to keep my distance.
This year is different than all of my other years.
I control my environment.
I control my happiness.
I control my life.
With that I am learning to control my reactions, retraining myself to have rational, logical and calm reactions to issues rather than just yelling back to deaf ears.
I accept the responsibility to control how I view the world and how I respond to it.
Furthermore, it is my duty to bring joy to those around me this year. I owe a big thanks to my friend, Karla for giving me $25 so I could get Dad Christmas. I also owe thanks to T. and Lynn for covering for me the other night moneywise.
Dad is going to have a great Christmas morning and that is where I get my joy. The joy in seeing Dad's smile and hearing his chuckle when he opens the cute presents or hearing him excitedly yell "UNDERWEAR" when he opens the traditional underwear present.
My aunt, cousins and friends are going to have a great, positive experience Christmas Eve. That brings me joy.
It is far more fulfilling to live to create joy in others than it is to be selfish and negative.