29 December 2012

I can feel!

I's just sittin' here, thinking about stuff like I usually do. And it dawned on me.

I can feel! I'm not a bloody zombie from these meds. They're actually working. Although I'm not convinced I'm not going crazy. But I'm having fun right now, accomplishing things in life that have greater meaning than myself.

I feel like I have complete control of my life back after losing that control in September. I decide whether I'm going to lead a happy, fulfilling life filled with meaning and teaching or whether I'm going to be a twatasauraus rex and be negative all of my life, never accomplishing anything more than more heartache, drama and turmoil.

I'm determined to live a healthy, positive, happy, fulfilling life achieving my dreams and goals step by step. I have Bipolar, it doesn't have me. Of course, most psychs just reading this would mistake this as me being manic. This isn't me being manic. This is me feeling comfortable and happy with a sense of meaning I've been searching for my entire life. This is me taking control, this is me finally sitting down to write my Nyla saga after 4 years of putting it off and myself down thinking it was too crazy a  notion that I would be able to write something memorable. You know what? I can, I will, and I am.

I'm not living my life according to the stereotypes and norms forced upon me by society, family, peers or the mental health profession.

I almost bought into the notion that I was a bad kind of different recently. That people are always going to be scared of me because I'm open, honest, blunt and bold about, well, everything - including suffering with Bipolar Disorder. I almost bought into it that I should just lay down and be quiet and don't try to do or say anything because they can and will lock me up for no honest reason. Yanno what? Locking me up only made me and my resolve stronger. I will be a great person that entertains people, educates them and accepts them. I may not become J.K. Rowling famous, but I'm going to do my damndest to make my dent in the literary world. If that's me being crazy because "normal people have more realistic dreams and goals" then let me be crazy.

Let me feel the pain of grief, the warmth of sunshine, the bonding with Dad. Let me be me, at my peaceful haven where I'm loved and accepted for all of my eccentricities and faults.

Just let me feel damnit.

No comments:

Post a Comment