I've put no planning into this blog post, so we'll see what happens with freestyle. I've given myself the topic of the holidays.
Yes, the season is upon us. And all that entails. Family. Work/Unemployment. Ups. Downs. You get the idea. Life during the holidays has always sucked for me. Then Mom and I came up with our own little traditions like baking certain things at certain times, putting up the tree, watching holiday episodes of Criminal Minds, The CSI's and Bones.
Just little things that had great meaning to myself and Mom.
Even the Crabby Patties I always get for Dad has big meaning to me. It's my way of showing him I do love him and I don't know what the hell I'd do without him.
Well, there was a big to-do about breaking tradition on Thanksgiving. It involved me and these rolls:
I destroyed tradition this year. I said I was going to bring the rolls since I had recently rediscovered Mom's recipes.
I did the most horrible, vile, evil thing ever to be done to dinner rolls.
COLORED THEM! *maniacal laughter* Orange, Yellow and Green. Those rolls had the most vibrant fall colors. They went over great with my family... except for 2 people. One of which was, Grandma! Whooo Doggie.... Grandma did not appreciate the creativity that inspired those rolls.
So, anyway... griping ensues. I feel belittled and picked on. I regress. I suffer a 2 week depression followed by a mixed episode. I write Grandma a letter explaining things from my point of view, how things make me feel, setting her straight on my mental illness - yeah it probably wasn't too pretty. She refuses to show it to anyone so they can see what she's so upset about because it'll just cause them stress too because I treated her so badly. You get it. Not in a good spot. Not pretty either.
I told her that until I am treated as an adult with a brain I won't go to family dinners. I don't remember if I did or did not make the - Thanksgiving was so stressful for me that I regressed and battled a short but effective depression - connection to her or not. I at least implied it heavily.
I have to look out for myself. I can't expect anyone else to do it for me. I'm a big girl now. Treat me like one please.
Anyway, my aunt and I had a blast Thanksgiving Eve. We baked MY rolls and made a batch of orange colored cinnamon rolls with walnuts specially for my Dad. They were supposed to have yellow icing, but I sucked at making icing from scratch so it ended up being a glaze. Still tasted good.
I made the decision that I am going to start my own traditions and I will, in fact, have a happy holiday season. Instead of fretting over Thanksgiving and the Grandma thing and letting the negative impact me, I'm remembering the positive: the kids giggling... "I'm stayin' the night now, I gotta see how these turn out!" amidst chuckling and giggling... My aunt cackling at Charlie Brown like it's the first time she'd ever seen it.... Making her scrambled eggs and grilled cheese sandwiches and serving it to her while she watched Chuck.... the big Thank You and MMM OM NOM NOM This is good! OM NOM NOM. Yeah, that's what's influencing me this holiday season. I might even have Dad drag out the tree if we still got one.
Christmas Eve I will hold my first in a series of Sarah's Christmas Feast! I invited those I feel close to, a kinship with and a warmth from to attend the feast. On the menu:
2 Ducks (Grape glaze, apple walnut stuffing)
Roast Potatoes with Green Beans, onion and a bit of bacon
Dinner Rolls (Red and White like a peppermint)
Chocolate Pudding Pie
2 of Aunt Elsie's Cheese Pies
We will Feast and BE MERRY!
Next Thanksgiving... I'll probably do what I did this year, spend it with my aunt, cook her dinner and listen to her cackle at good ole Charlie Brown. Only instead of going to Grandma's for dinner on Thanksgiving, I'll stay home and watch football. I can't handle 3 klonopin days.