30 November 2011
Naturally there have been comments to the effect of "what a waste" and "all he did was hurt his family." This enraged me. These comments are obviously coming from people who don't know what it's like to suffer from depression (or any other mental illness). They don't know what it's like to be suicidal, the thoughts that are in our heads when we just want to die, the torment we experience.
Our desire for peace at that time overrides any rational thinking that might occur. The only way we see getting peace is by killing ourselves. We're not usually thinking about how hard it is on our families and friends. In my case I figured they didn't really give a shit about me anyway and would be relieved I was no longer a problem in their lives. I just wanted the psychological and emotional pain to go away. That's what every suicidal person wants. We want the peace we see "everyone else" having.
That being said, I hope his friends and family can understand where his mind had to have been for even the thought of suicide to appear. I wish them peace during their time of grief, and I hope they use his fame as a chance to reach out to the community and help other mental illness sufferers whether they be suicidal or not.
As for me, I'm doing fine. My medicine seems to be straightened out, I seem to be evening out and life seems to be going good right now. I spent Thanksgiving with newfound friends and had a great time. I was glad I didn't have to deal with my family. They trigger me so hard and so much I don't want very many of them in my life. That is a conscious decision I have made, however my counselor hopes I don't end up regretting it. I figure my family cannot accept me so I don't need them.
I'm exercising, drinking water and eating better and I have lost 14 lbs in 3 weeks. I'm down to 250 now so I have another 110 to go. It will come off and it will stay off.