31 October 2011
I've been fighting my bipolar all month. The trigger that caused the last post was intense. I don't think I'm quite over it yet. My Shakespeare class was stressing me the fuck out so I dropped it since I was going to fail it anyway. That just means there's that much more pressure to pass it next fall.
My fat ass broke the computer chair. That made me real happy.
I went to the doctor last week to find out I've gotten even fatter and am now up to 263.8 lbs. Record weight for me. That pissed me off. My blood pressure was high at 130 over something which confused me and pissed me off. They drew labs and naturally my blood sugar was high. I just found out about that. That pissed me off. My body is pissing me off.
The doctor took me off of Risperidone and put me on Abilify hoping that medicine is part of the cause of the dramatic weight gain. I switched from Mt. Dew to mostly water... allowing myself a 20 oz of dew a day which is better than 2 liters. I'm doing good to get the entire 20 oz drank though... but have been downing 2-3 liters of water a day.
I started actually using my The Biggest Loser game for my Wii. Made it through the first week. Weigh in is tomorrow. I think Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels are trying to kill me. 30 minutes on "light" is nothing to sneeze at. And it's hardly light exercise if I'm sucking air 2 minutes in. I bowled for 4 hours Friday night with a new friend and bowled 5 games today.
Now if I could get Dad out of the house for an hour on Saturday and Sunday I could get a weekend routine in too. A friend and I are going to start working out 3 days a week while I incorporate bowling 5 games 3 days a week and probably for 4 hours on Friday night. Bowling supposedly burns 164 calories an hour. It's better than nothing, plus it's a fun workout. I'm tempted to weigh in now but I'll wait until tomorrow. I'll be pissed if I gained weight.
Yes I'm kind of manic at the moment as I'm sure you can tell by the rambling incoherence of this post. Maybe one of these days I'll just be normal.
03 October 2011
All it took to set me the fuck off was one name. Jon Spiers. I was having a shitty, down day before I saw his name, then I saw it and immediately wanted to kill someone. Him.
The one person who causes me to black out into a blind rage and I had to see his name on my nieces Facebook wall. I should just quit Facebook. It causes me more harm and detriment than it does me good. The only reason for staying is because of friends that live far away.
Some little pissant that cannot even spell called me an uneducated asshole. That set me the fuck off. All I did was ask her if she was trying to kill herself since she was drinking and taking Loratab. Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to watch out for a bitch.
Fuck, if I wasn't taking Wellbutrin I'd be downing as much Jagermeister as I possibly could right now. It's been one of those days. But who the fuck cares about what kind of day I'm having? Nobody. That's fucking who.
My niece, in her naivety, cannot see why her getting along with my asshat brothers and their families means I cannot trust her. I can't trust anybody who is their friend or gets along with them. I can't stand them playing the same games on her that they played on me. She'll never understand why I can't completely trust her. It's because she's too trusting. Too fucking forgiving. She's not really taking my side, she just thinks she is.
I'll just continue being the white trash piece of shit asshole this entire fucking family sees me as... at least I'd be being true to myself. I'll never be anything but a white trash asshole. Never have been either. My innocence and trusting was robbed from me at a young age. I knew this fucking family were nothing but rabid hyenas. Then I have my niece trying to get too close, trying to cling to me. Suffocating me. What happens if I let her too close and she ends up being like the rest of the assholes in the family? I end up looking like even more of an asshole for trusting anyone with the last name Spiers. Spiers is a shitty name. I should totally change my name, or better yet, just fucking kill myself and save myself the pain of another 40 years.