30 November 2011

Suicide and updates.

Yesterday a beloved local meteorologist died. He committed suicide. This obviously struck a chord with me because I've been suicidal so many times and have attempted it 3 times.

Naturally there have been comments to the effect of "what a waste" and "all he did was hurt his family." This enraged me. These comments are obviously coming from people who don't know what it's like to suffer from depression (or any other mental illness). They don't know what it's like to be suicidal, the thoughts that are in our heads when we just want to die, the torment we experience.

Our desire for peace at that time overrides any rational thinking that might occur. The only way we see getting peace is by killing ourselves. We're not usually thinking about how hard it is on our families and friends. In my case I figured they didn't really give a shit about me anyway and would be relieved I was no longer a problem in their lives. I just wanted the psychological and emotional pain to go away. That's what every suicidal person wants. We want the peace we see "everyone else" having.

That being said, I hope his friends and family can understand where his mind had to have been for even the thought of suicide to appear. I wish them peace during their time of grief, and I hope they use his fame as a chance to reach out to the community and help other mental illness sufferers whether they be suicidal or not.

As for me, I'm doing fine. My medicine seems to be straightened out, I seem to be evening out and life seems to be going good right now. I spent Thanksgiving with newfound friends and had a great time. I was glad I didn't have to deal with my family. They trigger me so hard and so much I don't want very many of them in my life. That is a conscious decision I have made, however my counselor hopes I don't end up regretting it. I figure my family cannot accept me so I don't need them.

I'm exercising, drinking water and eating better and I have lost 14 lbs in 3 weeks. I'm down to 250 now so I have another 110 to go. It will come off and it will stay off.


  1. Everything you said just hit the nail on the head.
    Thanks for sharing!!

  2. Please take a look at an article I just posted on my site here...a positive and alternative perspective about living with bipolar disorder...

    And Sean Blackwell's Bipolar or Waking Up here...

    To me, there is a huge piece of the puzzle missing in the understanding of and in living with bipolar disorder! Thanks! Ron

  3. When it comes to suicide ,people do not understand it is not about them . it is about the enormous pain that fluds the brain, the sadness and lonelyness over take the person there is a feeling of being lost and desperation. you want every thing to stop. to kill the pain kill thy self. my brain does not work the same as a persons with out a mental illness, The sadness is triggered by something small and that keeps getting more intense untill I am emersed in so much guilt shame self blaiming anf feeling worthless and over whelemed. thank you for this post.

  4. I agree with anonymous its not about them, it does affect them but unless they have experienced these intense feelings, they can't possibly understand. The intensity rages out of control. Thanks for this post.