27 September 2011

One Year Ago

One year ago on this date at 5:17 a.m. my mother left me. I was alone. My boyfriend was so distant I decided to leave him on the same day. I was alone. I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained. With her death my life changed for the worse. I no longer had any family member I could trust. Both sides of my family are like starving, rabid hyenas... as soon as you turn your back on them they'll try to stab it with rusty objects.

One year ago on this date at 5:17 a.m. I died with her. I was feeling the effects of two major losses. I figured out who my real friends were. I figured out who really cared about Mom. Let's just say she had many fairweather friends who didn't bother showing up to the wake.

I had the support of a friend who would later betray me by ending the friendship. I still mourn the loss of my mother. I still have ill feelings toward the lying bastard that said he would always be my friend, proved himself worthy while I was in the darkest part of my life, then took it all back, ripping me apart worse than my boyfriend ever could.

One year ago I lost my biggest fan. Mom wasn't always my fan. She used to abuse the living shit out of me until I was about 22. Then she decided I was a human with value and worth, something the rest of my "elders" still haven't figured out. Mom grew to see the talent of the written word I possess and eventually tried her best to encourage me to make something out of myself by writing. Even at her end when I grew into death and black metal she encouraged me. She didn't understand it, the lifestyle or the lyrics, she just knew that it was a release for me, which is something not very many people understand.

One year ago I lost my Mom. The hole will never be filled.