08 August 2011

Up, down, up, down, up

The August hell is setting in. August is always my worst month because I'm isolated, bored and intellectually unstimulated. I've been manic/hypomanic quite a bit lately... which means screwed up sleep patterns, inability to fall asleep, paranoia, agitation and creative juices flowing. I've missed two appointments with one counselor and one appointment with the other. I have to go tomorrow regardless of how I feel... at least that's what I'm telling myself. I don't know if the counseling is helping or not, it's at least someone to talk to in the real world.

I spent the day today spamming Youtube videos on my Facebook wall. I'm sure people appreciate the fine quality of black and death metal. If not, they're missing out on high quality music. I'm full of energy. I'm twitching as I write this. I have lyrics, poems and books flooding my brain, begging to be put down on paper or an electronic version of it. My brain just won't shut down.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I just suck at interpersonal relationships. Yeah, I've been thinking about Frank and how he abandoned me. I should have known better than to listen to some asshole that says "I'll always be your friend." Been there done that, got the scars to prove it. I suppose it was my fault, at least in his mind it was. I shouldn't have relied on him. I shouldn't have ever let him as close as he did. He was allowed into my emotional keep and he set the fuckin' place on fire. Too bad he had his own hangups about whether he was sending me mixed signals or not, instead of listening to me, and paying attention to what I was saying and doing he just decides he's sending mixed signals (after I told him a million times he wasn't) he just decided I wasn't worth having in his life anymore. Well fuck me. I should have known better than let my emotions and thoughts get the better of me, but they did. I guess the price to pay is abandonment. I'll never get to hang out with him again... I'll never get to talk to him again... I'll never be anything he gives a shit about again. Someone I invested a lot of time and money into and called a friend sees me now as a piece of shit stuck to the bottom of his shoe. How fucking wonderful.

I can't help it, it pisses me off the way shit ended between us. Losing a friend is as bad as losing a lover, at least it is in my eyes, especially a friend that proved himself to be trustworthy and accepting. Guess he wasn't as accepting as he thought he was. Guess he's not as awesomesauce as I thought he was. It's too bad he never believed me when I said I wasn't carrying a torch for him anymore... that I was back with Dave, which is honestly what I wanted the entire time now that I think about it.

Hell, Dave and I are stronger than ever now that he sat on the bench for awhile... why would I leave that? Why would I leave someone that's honestly had my back for the last 8 years, who accepts me for me even if he doesn't like it? He tries to be there for me as much as he can... he's getting better. I guess one could say he's mellowing with age.

So why do I "dwell" on Frank? Lack of closure for one, unanswered questions, paranoid thoughts and feelings cropping up, like who has he talked to about me, why, what was said and do they now think I'm a psychopath too? Include the desire to call him a pussy that abandons friends when a piece of ass comes along, the desire to go the fuck off on him in a fit of emotionally pained rage and the desire for him to see how much he's hurt me by being an abandoning pussy. The only part of me that "pines" for Frank is the one that wants real friends in her life, people I can call on when I need someone to talk me off of the ledge since hospitals are now out of the question, people that accept me and love me for who I am, not ones that get scared off by the disease that makes me who I am, that shapes me, that is me.


  1. I read this earlier and although I sound like a broken record..... You are so much better than that. It's his loss of your friendship. Which I know gaining your trust isn't an easy thing.... but once you let someone in then you hold that trust dear. And yes ending a friendship is almost like losing the love of your life because it is a part of you that you have to let go of. In time you will get there.... when the time is right.

    One other way to look at this whole Frank mess is that he isn't/wasn't worthy of your friendship.

    I love ya!!!

  2. I know it's his loss, doesn't stop it from hurting. I keep telling myself he wasn't worthy of my friendship but so far I haven't convinced myself of the fact yet. Love you too Momma B.

  3. I have to agree with MomaB. Losing a friend is like losing a part of you (along with the good ol' memories). I do not mean to admonish but you must get going. Forgive him, if you must; and prove to him that he isn't the world to you. You're far more better. I have learned that on a site regading counselling . Please look it up. I hope it helps.