29 August 2011

Listening to: Nile - Those Whom The Gods Detest
Listening to: Cannibal Corpse - Tomb of the Mutilated
Mood: Somber and Pissed

Today was the first day of classes for me. It was a good day. The Sociology professor I have is a riot. I'm not sure English is my German instructor's first language though. At least she knows German and can communicate it to us. Tomorrow I get to tackle Shakespeare and Composition Theory, and probably another lesson in PE. Yay.

It was a bittersweet day as well. I didn't have a mother to come home to and babble about my day to. Dad didn't seem to much care about my day. I got to see long lost friends, one who lost her father just before her birthday. It just reminded me of how difficult this past year has been for me and how difficult it's going to be for her.

The anniversary for Mom's death is coming upon us, as is her birthday. I'm not looking forward to it. The grief counselor suggested doing some sort of ritual like burning her favorite candle, cooking a specific meal or something. I'll probably bake a cake on her birthday and figure something out to do on the anniversary.

Other than that there have been many sleepless nights or sleep impaired nights and a tremendous amount of rage towards some people that did not help ease Mom's death at all. The more I think about it the more pissed I get, the fucking lying, game playing, manipulation and I couldn't be sure she was getting the care she deserved and needed while I was gone. Not to mention I couldn't do any homework because nobody would leave the house once I got home allowing Mom and myself the quiet time we had scheduled. I should tell you about the day I came home and nobody had fed her. I was real impressed... NOT.

The nurse practitioner/counselor lady person told me to write a letter expressing all of my anger. Boy will she get an eye full. She thinks it'd be good to get it off of my chest. I'd honestly rather slap everyone upside the head for being one or more of the following: a) Stupid b) Manipulative c) A lying ass bitch d) A dumbfuck e) incompetent f) so self absorbed in their own sorrow (though she wasn't dead yet) that they failed to do what Mom wanted done in the first place, get her shit divvied up so nobody would argue over who gets what  g) Manipulative h) Manipulative i) Manipulative or j) understood that they were to leave when I got home from school. They were only needed when Dad and I were both gone. Oh there's k) Staying til 2 a.m. so I couldn't fucking have the peace and quiet I needed to do my homework to try to keep up with Mom dying and schoolwork at the same time and can't forget l) Not even around even though you live 3 miles away.

Did I mention Manipulative? How about backstabbing? What about thinking that they can come in my fucking house, move everything, spring clean every day of the week, tell me that the schedule Mom and I made up was confusing, although everyone else in the fucking world, even Joe could figure it out, I made it that easy to follow, come in my fucking house and pick fights with me when it's my house and my fucking duty to make sure Mom got taken care of? Did I mention any of that shit? If not, I'm sorry I omitted it. It must have slipped my mind. Did I mention that I know Connie called to complain that we were not taking adequate care of Mom and that a certain someone ran right to her to try to usurp my authority? Yeah that didn't work so fucking well now did it?

All it did was remind me that I couldn't trust any of them around Mom alone so they weren't. Especially when one of them wanted to fucking roll her over when she was on an air mattress and in excruciating pain and not wanting to roll. Yeah the nurse sat on the couch for a reason. Only certain people were allowed alone with her for a reason. Don't think I don't know shit that happened, that I'm stupid, that I'm blind, or that I've forgotten. I haven't. I'll look at them with contempt for the rest of my life. Mom didn't deserve to have her final days like that.

I'm like Stalin, I hold a grudge for life. They've fucked up. I don't have to play nice. I won't play nice. I'll always remember the bullshit that went on. Bullshit that would have gotten a nurse fired from a job. Bullshit that was simply someone's dysfunctional need for drama. I regret these people coming back into our lives. I regret the bullshit that happened. I regret not dropping that entire semester and staying home myself to make sure she was taken care of 24/7 rather than spending the entire time I was at class trying to stay awake and worrying about Mom. The only time I didn't worry was when I knew hospice was here to take care of her.

I'm. Like. Stalin. I. Hold. A. Grudge. For. Life. - Never. Forget. Never. Forgive.

And to top that off my fucking legs are edemic. Yay.

Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse

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