27 July 2011
Overall I'm in a better place than I have been, and it's been a fight getting this far. I still have setbacks, like thinking about Frank and wanting to kick him in his lying, abandoning, promise breaking balls. I've been having lots of flashbacks too, those don't help at all. It seems the world is still against me, though Frank absolutely believes the world doesn't care. It's the people in it who don't care about me or anyone else, him being one of the non-caring dickheads. It feels so great being thrown away like garbage by someone who was supposed to be your best friend, and then have it blamed on you. Hopefully he still reads this blog. If he does here's the message: That was a bullshit and pussy move you pulled. Thank you for shitting on me.
Dave and I are going strong. He's working himself to death in the gardens and yards (he takes care of his mother's place too). He's actually been calling and saying "I love you" in return to mine. Maybe those months of sitting on the curb taught him I'm not going to put up with bullshit and discompassion forever. Still he called 8 times while I was locked up in the asylum. He didn't have to. We weren't together. He didn't have to come get me when they let me out. Now he finds time to call or come over or even better, take me fishing. He has rarely snapped at me for no fault of mine... and when he has I've stood my ground and told him to fuck off if he's going to treat me like shit for no reason today.
Dad and I are getting along still. It's rather scary because I know it's going to blow up again sometime. He read the letter and the only response was "I don't agree with everything you've written" and an explanation about my movies like they were the most important thing on the list. No discussion. No information. Nothing. It's the same response I got when he read the chapter of my autobiography dedicated to him and my asshole brothers.
I'm on a bit of a downslope at the moment because the collection agency Heartland Health and its doctors send overdue bills to called again saying I owe them money when the fucking bill has been paid. She said it's going to another collection agency and I'm going to have to pay overdue fines and other fees because I didn't voluntarily pay them $375 from my money shitting ass. I don't know why it bothers me as much as it is, but it does and it creates stress, anxiety and depression. I'm never going to the hospital again, for any reason, even if I'm suicidal. I'll just take my chances and hope it works out.
Since Dad has the only working vehicle to go to work every day until he gets his car fixed, I'm more isolated than normal. The Sims 3 is getting boring. TV is boring. I'm broke and couldn't go anywhere if I had money. Hopefully the car is fixed soon and the isolation I'm experiencing doesn't become all consuming like it does every August when I'm not in school.