16 June 2011

So, I was feeling good...

Then I got triggered. As you know I'm having difficulties dealing with the bullshit loss of a friend. I walk into the living room and low and behold, guess who's on TV... the friend. I was going to call and tell him it was a good interview but I think he blocked my number since I get "The AT&T customer you're trying to reach is not available" instead of 2 rings and voicemail.

Of course just hearing his voice and seeing him made me start thinking of our last words to each other, how there's not been any closure, though I'd like to pick up the friendship where we left off, and now I'm crying like a little bitch because of it all.

It hurts to think that I'm no longer good enough to be his friend, that I'm just trash that he set on the curb, that he could hurt me by saying the shit he said and not expecting me to react adversely.

Then again the final argument was all my fault and I probably shouldn't have said that I only started counseling because I couldn't handle being rejected by him, which he responded ever so wonderfully "you say that like you had a chance in the first place." If he could only understand it's easier to blame him (someone who's not supposed to walk away) than admit I'm junk and fucked up in the head, maybe he'd understand some of the shit I said and not take it the wrong way or be scared he's giving out mixed signals when he's not and hasn't since February. He would know that if he read anything I've written to him, or even in this blog.

I fucked up when I wrote Isolated Once Again. That was in fucking May though. I was writhing in pain from being emotionally lashed for 2 hours. But when I said goodbye, I didn't mean forever, which is how he seems to have taken it. He shouldn't still be pissed after all this time. Then again I shouldn't give a rats ass what he thinks about me. I shouldn't give a rats ass about what anyone thinks of me. It just seems like I've lost so much time to being friends with him that I'll never get back, but I don't regret either. I'm just upset he's decided to end it instead of dealing with the problem. I guess he was ill prepared to be friends with a bipolar. I just wish he'd talk to me again.


  1. From what I read here, he's a piece of shit. I just wish you weren't eating your heart out over such a heartless excuse for a human being. You ARE too good for him. He's mean, self-centered, and not worth your time. Seriously! What would you say to someone else if you were reading this?

  2. Get over him. Easier said than done.