07 June 2011

It's been awhile.

It's hot and I'm cranky. I want to sleep but can't fall asleep because my mind keeps racing. I took my meds like I was supposed to so I'm a bit dizzy too. I've tried for weeks to get Frank to talk to me but he keeps dodging my calls. I guess that means he hates me now. It eats me up inside that someone I thought was a solid friend walked away knowing I was just lashing out in pain. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he should know that our last conversation left me devastated and tear filled with snot running from my nose. I even puked a couple of times, I was that upset. I should say it doesn't matter, that it doesn't hurt, that I'm not bothered in the least by Frank's abandoning me, but that would be a lie. I should be OK with having no friends at my immediate call should I need one, I've lived my life alone - I should be used to it.

Interpersonal relationships have never been my strong suit. All of my friends go as quick as they come. I'm surprised Dave's still around. That's probably because he doesn't have to deal with me 24-7 or when shit's really piled up on me. Dave has the liberty and leisure of only having to be there when it's convenient for him. Even then it's hell spending time with him when I'm depressed. I think that's because he doesn't understand what it's like to be in my shoes, and he never will understand. Maybe he wants to fix it. He can't. Nobody can. I can't just snap out of it either. If I could snap out of it, don't you think I would have by now? The medicine is helping a little bit, but I'm still depressed, especially when I think of how few people I have in my life... and how much I want Frank back in it. I guess he doesn't have the time or patience for me anymore, which is a shame and makes me feel stupid for allowing him to get close enough for me to open up to him. Stupid enough to open up to anybody. All it ever leads to is pain and disappointment.

You'd think the two counselors and medicine would be working by now and I'd be over Frank abandoning me. Guess not. I guess he's never going to speak to me again... which sucks. Maybe him telling me he liked conversing with me was a lie. I never can tell when someone's just trying to be nice to me, and when they actually mean it. I've been burned that many times.

2 comments:

  1. I struggle a lot with interpersonal relationships too. I usually don't open up at all, which is no more effective than saying too much or opening up to the wrong person.

    Could you write a letter/email to Frank? Sit on it for a couple of days before you send it to make sure you don't say something you wouldn't want to.

    I wish I could help more but all I can really say is that you're not alone in these feelings. Unfortunately it's the nature of the illness, and to be honest it sucks.

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  2. He won't even respond to e-mail. I'm sick of this illness. I didn't ask for this shit and it needs to go away.

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