27 June 2011
Boundaries? I don't respect boundaries?
I feel lied to. This person said he would always be my friend. Lies. All fucking lies. I feel disrespected and that credit has not been given to me for a) not going insane enough to cut or try to commit suicide (an improvement). b) actually backing off. c) being loyal enough that I'd have done anything for him. d) wasting my time in a 1 year friendship that was supposed to last "forever" and ending up hurt in the end. Unlike somebody I know I would have communicated that there was a problem instead of being a pussy and spontaneously cutting off all contact.
The counselor I talked to today said I can't look at or think about things in the extremes. That's hard to do when someone who was your friend kicks you in the fucking teeth. I still don't know what boundary I crossed this time. It helps when the boundaries don't move all over the fucking place. I won't respect boundaries... I bet someone's ex wife helped him come up with that.
So Frank, thanks for the lies and heartache. Much appreciated. It's just too bad you aren't strong enough to handle intense friendships. Don't fuckin sit there and tell me it's because I read everything as a mixed signal either. I've been back with Dave for a while, happily at that, therefore the option of romance with anyone was off of the table. Besides I haven't had a romantic feeling for you since Feb. when I got smacked down. Yeah I was out of control then, but guess what?
I have 2 counselors and enough medication to tranq out a horse on my side. You were too blind to see that I was calming down, too busy to see that I was pulling out of my legitimate depression and you hit me with I don't respect boundaries, out of the blue, without seeing or caring that I was sick in the mind as recent as a month and a half ago and therefore not making great decisions. I was (am) an emotional train wreck, but you couldn't see that I am/was getting better.
Now I have to deal with having anxiety attacks every time I'm on campus because I might see you, worse if I actually do see you. I also want to thank you for building my confidence only to destroy it. I have no clue why the fuck I'm even in college. I'm too fucked up in the skull to make anything of myself, so why did you bother ever telling me I could do anything I set my mind to? Building me up just to tear me down, or did you actually mean some of the shit at some point in time only to take it away. You better believe every day I wish I never let you close. I also wish that I'd died instead of Mom. If your life is better without me in it, then so should the world.