12 May 2011

Silence and Isolation

This silence kills me. Having the TV on makes the isolation a bit more tolerable. I cringe every time Dad leaves for work... it means I'm alone. No friends are going to call me. I don't want to bother them so I'm not going to call them. They're too busy to deal with me anyway. Just imagine a life where your only contact with other humans is the human that you live with. Sometimes it's nice, most of the time it drives me up the wall because all I do is think. Thinking is not a good thing for me. It drives me deeper into depression mode.

Thinking has made it more difficult to sleep at night. I think of how I've hurt Dave, how I shouldn't have written the blog about the best friend and the one sided friendship (but it was cathartic), now he's dodging my calls. I'm sure he hates me now. I can't stop thinking of our last argument... where he told me the friendship was one sided and how much that devastated me. I think of how the friendship shouldn't have ended like that, how I should have held my tongue and not lashed out in pain, but cry out in pain I did indeed.

The quiet gives me time to realize Mom's not here. She'll never be here no matter how much I wish it. I am left with nobody to talk to, nobody to spend time with, nobody to enjoy life with... and when I do make a friend I fuck it up somehow, usually by getting too close to them which opens me up to getting hurt. It's a vicious cycle.

When I'm alone I find myself crying or starting to cry at stupid shit. I'm crying right now actually, knowing nobody is here with me, feeling like nobody cares, feeling like shit because of how shit went with me and the best friend.

I feel like shit right now. I need to stop thinking but I can't. I can't stop feeling either. Sometimes I wish my heart would just stop beating so I wouldn't have to live with this fucking disease anymore. This disease that consumes my life, my being, burning so out of control I don't know that it can ever be reigned back in to normalcy.

I know I'll never be normal. I'm jealous of the "normals," their brain works right and I got stuck with a diseased piece of shit that causes me to do crazy things and say crazy shit and react in crazy ways, it just causes me to be crazy. Just ask any of my ex boyfriends or ex friends they'll agree that I'm fucked up in the head and should be in an asylum rather than walking the streets. Maybe I should be locked up. I tried that once. It made things worse for me, being isolated in a room full of people. It cost $5000.00 too.

I just want shit to be right with me for once. When do I get my break?

4 comments:

  1. When I read this post, I felt like, wow, someone out there really knows how I feel. I have been terrified lately to be alone with my thoughts. As it gets later into the day I start to realize, "Shit, soon it'll be time for bed. I'll be alone with my thoughts, waiting for sleep. How long will I have to wait? What cruelty is in store for me tonight?" I'm actually AFRAID, like, using a night light levels of afraid. My plan of action has been to take a xanax/klonopin cocktail, get under the covers, and pray for daylight. I doubt that's helpful but it's one way to get through.

    I get angry at my diseased brain too. What I've realized lately is that it's not me against my brain. It's one part of my brain against another part of my brain. This is a small but important distinction. It's just one part of my brain that's a relentless bully and a puppeteer controlling my actions. Another part craves "normalcy" and is willing to work for it. Somehow it just has to be channeled. It's not the whole brain that's diseased, if it was, you wouldn't care one way or the other, but you DO. That's the part of the brain that can win, the part that cares, we just have to learn how to make it a bad ass mother fucker, how to make it put the beat down on bipolar, so that the diseased asshole quivers in fear in the corner. This is my dream. I have no idea how to go about achieving it, mind you. But I think even having the dream, fantasizing about it, imagining a beautiful life where that is reality, is a start.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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  2. I'm not afraid of sleep, I welcome it, like 20 hours a day welcome it as long as I'm not having nightmares. Nightmares are a different story.

    You are right it's your brain against itself which makes it more difficult to kick its ass. I have no idea of how to achieve it either. I wish I did... I'd be rich.

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  3. It's not that I'm afraid of sleep, I'm afraid of the period before I fall asleep, that's when my darkest thoughts tend to occur. Sleep is my best friend in life, I never meant to besmirch it!

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  4. Yeah that's not my favorite time of day either... as demonstrated in my newest blog.

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