12 May 2011
Silence and Isolation
Thinking has made it more difficult to sleep at night. I think of how I've hurt Dave, how I shouldn't have written the blog about the best friend and the one sided friendship (but it was cathartic), now he's dodging my calls. I'm sure he hates me now. I can't stop thinking of our last argument... where he told me the friendship was one sided and how much that devastated me. I think of how the friendship shouldn't have ended like that, how I should have held my tongue and not lashed out in pain, but cry out in pain I did indeed.
The quiet gives me time to realize Mom's not here. She'll never be here no matter how much I wish it. I am left with nobody to talk to, nobody to spend time with, nobody to enjoy life with... and when I do make a friend I fuck it up somehow, usually by getting too close to them which opens me up to getting hurt. It's a vicious cycle.
When I'm alone I find myself crying or starting to cry at stupid shit. I'm crying right now actually, knowing nobody is here with me, feeling like nobody cares, feeling like shit because of how shit went with me and the best friend.
I feel like shit right now. I need to stop thinking but I can't. I can't stop feeling either. Sometimes I wish my heart would just stop beating so I wouldn't have to live with this fucking disease anymore. This disease that consumes my life, my being, burning so out of control I don't know that it can ever be reigned back in to normalcy.
I know I'll never be normal. I'm jealous of the "normals," their brain works right and I got stuck with a diseased piece of shit that causes me to do crazy things and say crazy shit and react in crazy ways, it just causes me to be crazy. Just ask any of my ex boyfriends or ex friends they'll agree that I'm fucked up in the head and should be in an asylum rather than walking the streets. Maybe I should be locked up. I tried that once. It made things worse for me, being isolated in a room full of people. It cost $5000.00 too.
I just want shit to be right with me for once. When do I get my break?