16 May 2011

Roller Coaster Day

Today's been a roller coaster of emotions. Dave and I got back together yesterday which is good. I got more of my tattoo finished today, also good. I confronted how I feel about myself... bad. I told the counselor I feel like I'm a failure, worthless, a lunatic and something else. He tried real hard to get me to see it's faulty thinking, and I tried real hard to believe it. This Cognitive Behavior Therapy is going to take far more work than anticipated. I thought I could just relearn what I had forgotten from the last round of it, but no... my brain is going to be stubborn.

I'd been laying in bed trying to go to sleep since my medicine knocks me out and naturally my mind wandered to things not nice. I got to thinking about Frank and how shit went down with us and how much it hurts, I noticed the thinking and tried to sidetrack myself with thoughts of Dave. But the thing is, Dave hasn't caused me pain lately, Frank has, so naturally thoughts of the events leading up to the dissolution of our friendship puts knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Happy thoughts don't seem to dent the emotional reaction I get from these specific negative thoughts. His words are daggers that are still stuck in my back and twist occasionally. Naturally thoughts went from Frank to - What if Dave and I fail again, how much is that going to hurt both of us? Can I take that pain? Can he take that pain? Does he understand why I left him in the first place and is he willing to fix the problem, or at least make an effort to?

Then the thoughts moved to my mother dying, seeing her wilting body fade away from life, watching her become a skeleton with skin, the hell I played trying to take care of her the last 6 weeks of her life. I wonder if she's in some peaceful beyond and can see everything inside of my head, the torture I go through on a daily basis. I wonder if she tries to communicate with or comfort me from the beyond. I wonder if she realized what she was leaving me to when she left. I pray that her spirit can give me the strength to actually publish my memoir which removes every skeleton this family has from every closet. This makes me wonder if she knew what she was bringing me into when she bore me... why I had and have to suffer everything.

So here I sit, saddened once more, displaying my open wounds for you to salt.

No comments:

Post a Comment