07 May 2011

Mother's Day

No mother is perfect. Mine sure as hell wasn't. Those close to me know she was an abusive bitch until I was about 20 or 21. What made me look up to her was she changed. She saw what she was doing was wrong and that I was a decent human being and started treating me like she actually wanted me as a part of her life... something I had yearned for all of my life.

This is the first Mother's Day without her in my life. She said she was proud of me and she thought I could achieve my dreams. She told me she wished she were as brave as I am. She finally accepted me for who Ii am. She learned as much about bipolar disorder as she could just so she could be closer to me. She'd sit on the couch and listen to me babble on about history class. We'd make chocolate chip cookie dough and devour it before we could make cookies. We watched CSI, Criminal Minds, NCIS and The Mentalist together every week. Every year for my birthday she'd bake me a red velvet cake. When she was actively dying I put on a Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter marathon for her, even though I didn't know if she would know it was on or not. She died at the opening of the end credits of Fellowship of the Ring at 5:17 a.m. September 27, 2010. I feel robbed. When she came home from the hospital on hospice she was to have months to live, she didn't even make it a month.

While our relationship was tumultuous for the first 2/3 of my life the last third made me realize she actually loved me. I'm sad I only got 9 good years with her, but happy she's not suffering from the cancer anymore.

Happy Mother's Day 2011.


  1. I share your pain, Sarah. A close relationship with your mom is something to cherish, no matter how short a time, but dang it should have been longer!!!

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Mother's Day must be devastating for those who have lost their moms. My heart goes out to you.