02 May 2011

Mother's Day is going to suck this year.

So we got Osama. Congrats to the servicemen involved.

Mother's Day is coming up, it sucks. I'm sick of the commercials reminding me that I don't have one anymore, that I can't have her back, that she's gone forever. I don't have a shoulder to cry on anymore, anyone to ask if I'm OK because I am just pacing around the house, weighed down by my thoughts and depressed feelings, nobody that loves me. Nobody to nurse my broken heart or bandage bruised emotions. Nobody to laugh with, cry with... no, I have no mother. I'm stuck pacing this house or laying in bed yearning for one more good day, a hug, a "he's the one not good enough for you, not the other way around." We'd make chocolate chip cookie dough and eat more dough than not.

I'd ask her why I pine for men who don't want me, why they don't think I'm good enough for them, why I get jealous that they have lives and I am stuck here unable to go anywhere, not even fishing, because I need the gas. I'd ask what's so repulsive about me? Why could she marry her high school sweetheart and I'm the crazy cat lady at 30? Why do these tears fall for him, yet I have to swallow my emotions around him because I don't want him out of my life? I'd ask why I can't have that one man in the world that could tolerate my ups and downs, love me for me, and love me in the way I want to be loved. With tears streaming down my reddened cheeks I'd ask her why I'm so unlovable, why I fail at everything I do, and why do I have to feel these feelings.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, Sarah, I truly do feel your pain. My mother's been gone for over 40 years, yet a day doesn't go by that I don't miss her or think about her. I was blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law, and I loved her dearly, although she never took the place of my mother, but we had her to do for on Mother's Day. We lost her in 2004, so I am again just at a loss with those commercials. She was the last parent we had between my husband and me, so it's hard on Father's Day too. Hey, if you ever need a little motherly comment about you being too good for them, I'm here and always glad to say it. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but no one can really change how someone feels, just know I understand, and I do want you to know that while the longing will always be there, the pain will lessen in time. Thinking of you Sarah!