02 May 2011
Mother's Day is going to suck this year.
Mother's Day is coming up, it sucks. I'm sick of the commercials reminding me that I don't have one anymore, that I can't have her back, that she's gone forever. I don't have a shoulder to cry on anymore, anyone to ask if I'm OK because I am just pacing around the house, weighed down by my thoughts and depressed feelings, nobody that loves me. Nobody to nurse my broken heart or bandage bruised emotions. Nobody to laugh with, cry with... no, I have no mother. I'm stuck pacing this house or laying in bed yearning for one more good day, a hug, a "he's the one not good enough for you, not the other way around." We'd make chocolate chip cookie dough and eat more dough than not.
I'd ask her why I pine for men who don't want me, why they don't think I'm good enough for them, why I get jealous that they have lives and I am stuck here unable to go anywhere, not even fishing, because I need the gas. I'd ask what's so repulsive about me? Why could she marry her high school sweetheart and I'm the crazy cat lady at 30? Why do these tears fall for him, yet I have to swallow my emotions around him because I don't want him out of my life? I'd ask why I can't have that one man in the world that could tolerate my ups and downs, love me for me, and love me in the way I want to be loved. With tears streaming down my reddened cheeks I'd ask her why I'm so unlovable, why I fail at everything I do, and why do I have to feel these feelings.