05 May 2011

Isolated Once Again

So the guy I elevated to most trusted friend because he was actually there for me when I needed it has found himself in a relationship. He claims he just won't be as available. I claim it'll be like every other friend I've had that's gotten into a relationship or married - I will be abandoned. It's actually already happened with him, he just doesn't realize it, or maybe he does and he's purposely ducking my calls. Not that it would surprise me since I did not take the news of the sudden relationship well at all.

Probably because a part of me still pined for him. He had the balls to tell me he had hoped that had gone away by now. Well no, it didn't. It lessened, I started waking up and seeing things that drive me up the wall, I started seeing him as a fallible human, and one that probably wasn't as compatible for me as I had thought a long time ago.

Yes Sire, as you hinted at yesterday, my emotions and my brain are all fucked up. I doubt it's fixable. I doubt I'll ever be normal like you. I doubt I'll have someone fall madly in love with me, ever... so excuse the fuck out of me for being jealous that you have a life and I never will, no matter how hard I try. If I knew why my friends keep their distance from me I'd let you know, but now you've joined their ranks, ignoring me, being too busy for me, unable to deal with my emotional side, whatever the fucking problem is, I'm sure it's all my fault.

As you disappear from my life I'm left to my usual isolated, friends that won't do anything with me, tortured existence. Thanks for the ride and thanks for telling me I was never the type of friend you'd have dinner with and it was a one sided friendship. That made me feel fucking excellent. And since you're dodging my calls to spend time with the new girlfriend, I only called to apologize for reacting so badly, but now I'm pissed and hurt again so fuck that. You don't see it, but I do... your back, walking away from me.


  1. Being around "normals" can be so painful at times. I can't help but find myself thinking, "I wish my brain worked like yours." It hurts. I tend to have the opposite problem from you, in that I isolate myself from my friends because I don't want them to see my symptoms, but it seems the end result is the same - being alone. And then being alone exacerbates my sadness and feelings of worthlessness, and the cycle goes on and on. Anyway, just wanted to say that I can relate. Sometimes it's good to remember that, whatever you're feeling, someone else out there in the world has felt it/is feeling it currently, we're not alone, not really.

  2. Being around "normals" right now is painful. I too find myself wishing my brain worked properly. I do have a tendency to isolate myself as much as I get isolated, sometimes it's hard telling who's isolated who. The feeling of worthlessness is what gets me every time. I'm glad you found my blog, Bea. It's kind of a journal right now. Maybe when I feel better I'll put up more educational posts again.

  3. There are no normals - sorry to disappoint. A friend of mine gave me a drawn flyer, "Adult children of normal parents annual convention" and it shows an empty auditorium with 3 people scattered so there you go...