15 April 2011

So I Have Another New Counselor

On following the lawyer's instructions I found yet another counselor. Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to be precise. She seems cool. The annoying part is having to explain to yet another person how shitty life is and why I can't handle working or working and school. We have the awkward "get to know you" phase to deal with again. I'm just afraid she won't believe me or back me up on the disability. She said something about disability usually makes people lose their self esteem.

I wake up every day feeling like a failure because I'm 30 and can't handle the real world and have to rent half a house from Dad. I can't get a job. I can't handle a job and school. Shit, this semester I can't even handle school. We have 2 weeks left and I'm getting a D in everything except one class, the important one. I am not a D student. I don't know how to handle having this bad of a semester other than just wanting to curl up in a ball and cry until it's over. I have anxiety attacks all of the time, most of the time I see no reason for my being alive, I already have no self worth, I've been searching but not finding any.

On the plus side, Dad's actually reading The Idiot's Guide to Bipolar Disorder. He's actually making an attempt to understand the hell which is my brain. That's a step up from what it was.

I saw Dave. Actually, he came over. We had a nice chat until he went to leave. He knew I'm being a female this week. He made moves anyway. Naturally I'm all like um we're not bf/gf. He's all like "so." So I guess he wants friends with benefits, or he wants me back, I'm not sure. I'm not sure being with him is healthy for me since it made me feel like shit when he left he said "It's ok, I don't handle rejection well anyway."

Overall: Rough day. Stressed max. Still depressed, but not as bad as a few weeks ago. Still not seeing a real reason for me to be alive other than to write... that's a hard business to break into. I guess I'll take my meds, watch How To Train Your Dragon again and see if I can sleep tonight. I have an important concert to attend tomorrow night.


  1. Hang in there!! I hate having to explain my med issues over and over to various med folks, I'm like "Read the friggin file dammit" and stop with the questions. Things are never as bad as one perceives, sure somewhere there are glimmers of hope for you. Take care!!

  2. Well Sweetie, It does sound like you have a little clearer thinking that's a good thing!

    I'm sorry you are having to go through another counselor, that's a pain, yes the starting over is like a new relationship and trying to feel each other out. Hopefully she'll be right for you! If not the whole circle starts again.(IDK if I am too much on her comment about the disability, YES it makes you feel badly getting turned down but knowing that you have a way of supporting yourself will help in your esteem not hurt it!!)

    I love ya bunches!!!!!