08 April 2011

Demons Within Me

Lately I'm finding it more difficult to fall asleep due to my brain being the asshole that it is. I try to relax and I see Mom's face, or remember how she treated me growing up, or see a skeleton with skin sagging off of it gasping for air.

I remember arguments with Dad. Painful arguments. In the most recent one he told me Mom had no heart and I'm exactly like her in bad ways. I think about how he thinks me getting a bachelor's degree is a waste of money and time because I'll never be able to get a job or hold one. It may be a waste of time and money to him, but it is my source of self worth. With me doing bad this semester I have no self worth. That's just the way it works.

I think about my stupid brothers and the bullshit they've played on Mom, me and/or my niece. I think about how they got to live normal lives and I get stuck with this bipolar bullshit which may very well mean in Dad's words - "I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be stuck with you until I die." I guess the truth does indeed hurt, because that hurt like a mother fucker.

That's OK, he has read my manuscript and the chapter about him and my brothers. He said it's well written but he doesn't agree with the analysis of some of the things he's done or said in the past, like the big part about the argument in which he told me he accepts that I have a mental problem but doesn't find it necessary to understand it. Apparently he did Google search bipolar and got confused. Now there's a book on his end table called "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Bipolar." I bought it for Frank but we both figured it would do Dad more good.

As I try to drift off to sleep I think of things like my own death, my suicidality (that is a word now), how much of a failure I am at life, and every dream I have ever had has blown up in my face. I get bitched at about the horses, I'm probably never going to find a man strong enough to date me, let alone marry me, I'm getting cold feet about trying to publish "Heart of a Survivor." It just seems fake now. In the book I'm telling people to be strong and keep going and here I am wanting to lay down, cry, die and give up on everything.

Negative thoughts just flow into my brain most of the time, and they're most annoying and painful when I'm trying to fall asleep. If anybody has some self worth and ego to spare, can you send it my way?

3 comments:

  1. I wish I had something great to share with you, Sarah. I'm kinding going thru a small depression of my own right now. I just want to tell you that you are intelligent, smart and yes, strong, to have gotten through all that you have. I know your mom was proud of you. Keep on, keep on. It's never easy to fight those demons, but keep on fighting. You have a lot to share and valuable things to say.

    God bless,
    Beverly

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  2. You wrote a book about surviving. This is just one more thing you'll have to survive or everything you've written will have been a lie.

    For what value it may be to you, I have a little trick I play on myself when I start going downhill with the increasingly negative thoughts. When I find myself starting them, I say "cancel, cancel" in my mind and try to think of three little things that I've done today that were positive. They don't have to be big things, but stuff like "I held a door open for someone" or "I smiled at a lady at the bank", things like that.

    It doesn't always work, so I go to Stage 2 and say "Fuck it. I'm outta here!" and start thinking of places I'd like to go - the beach with some palm trees, maybe; or the side of a mountain with a nice creek running down it - and no snow; or the base of the creek at my grandmother's place in Quebec. It was quiet there and I could watch the water striders all day long if I wanted to. Or go horseback riding in the Rockies again.

    I go to some place that's *mine* and sit for a bit, mentally. It means that I 'zone out' from the real world, but I've found that the 'quiet place' thoughts tend to follow me around more than the negative thoughts do, once you get a bit of practice in.

    It may not work for you, but it can't hurt to try? At the very least, cancel out the negative thoughts and try to replace them with several positives. And you know one positive I just thought of? You post here. You let me know that I'm not alone at the bottom of the depression well. That means a lot, even if I don't say it very often.

    (((hugs)))

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  3. I wish there was a magic switch, and I could stop the depression, pain and loss. Instead, we have to muddle through, taking each day as it comes, and doing the best we can. Try to accomplish something positive, something useful each day - but don't get bent out of shape if you get home from school and collapse into bed for 4 hours (like I did today).

    May you find Peace and Joy.

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