08 April 2011
Demons Within Me
I remember arguments with Dad. Painful arguments. In the most recent one he told me Mom had no heart and I'm exactly like her in bad ways. I think about how he thinks me getting a bachelor's degree is a waste of money and time because I'll never be able to get a job or hold one. It may be a waste of time and money to him, but it is my source of self worth. With me doing bad this semester I have no self worth. That's just the way it works.
I think about my stupid brothers and the bullshit they've played on Mom, me and/or my niece. I think about how they got to live normal lives and I get stuck with this bipolar bullshit which may very well mean in Dad's words - "I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be stuck with you until I die." I guess the truth does indeed hurt, because that hurt like a mother fucker.
That's OK, he has read my manuscript and the chapter about him and my brothers. He said it's well written but he doesn't agree with the analysis of some of the things he's done or said in the past, like the big part about the argument in which he told me he accepts that I have a mental problem but doesn't find it necessary to understand it. Apparently he did Google search bipolar and got confused. Now there's a book on his end table called "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Bipolar." I bought it for Frank but we both figured it would do Dad more good.
As I try to drift off to sleep I think of things like my own death, my suicidality (that is a word now), how much of a failure I am at life, and every dream I have ever had has blown up in my face. I get bitched at about the horses, I'm probably never going to find a man strong enough to date me, let alone marry me, I'm getting cold feet about trying to publish "Heart of a Survivor." It just seems fake now. In the book I'm telling people to be strong and keep going and here I am wanting to lay down, cry, die and give up on everything.
Negative thoughts just flow into my brain most of the time, and they're most annoying and painful when I'm trying to fall asleep. If anybody has some self worth and ego to spare, can you send it my way?