30 April 2011


Internet was shot for a bit. Not much change, I'm still depressed, though I think it's getting a little better. I actually laughed at a tv show tonight. Been awhile since that's happened. Still trying for disability, that's adding stress to the situation. Still going to get D's or F's in all but one of my classes. I just have to deal with it. I should pass the one class that was the most important one. Been having issues with sleep. Either I'm asleep by 8:30 and wake up at 11 pm or I'm just awake like I am tonight. One thing's for certain, I've been having the feeling of "why do I have to be alive" lately. It's probably associated with my stubbornness in believing I'll never get into grad school. It kinda hurts to have dreams destroy themselves right in front of your eyes.

15 April 2011

So I Have Another New Counselor

On following the lawyer's instructions I found yet another counselor. Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to be precise. She seems cool. The annoying part is having to explain to yet another person how shitty life is and why I can't handle working or working and school. We have the awkward "get to know you" phase to deal with again. I'm just afraid she won't believe me or back me up on the disability. She said something about disability usually makes people lose their self esteem.

I wake up every day feeling like a failure because I'm 30 and can't handle the real world and have to rent half a house from Dad. I can't get a job. I can't handle a job and school. Shit, this semester I can't even handle school. We have 2 weeks left and I'm getting a D in everything except one class, the important one. I am not a D student. I don't know how to handle having this bad of a semester other than just wanting to curl up in a ball and cry until it's over. I have anxiety attacks all of the time, most of the time I see no reason for my being alive, I already have no self worth, I've been searching but not finding any.

On the plus side, Dad's actually reading The Idiot's Guide to Bipolar Disorder. He's actually making an attempt to understand the hell which is my brain. That's a step up from what it was.

I saw Dave. Actually, he came over. We had a nice chat until he went to leave. He knew I'm being a female this week. He made moves anyway. Naturally I'm all like um we're not bf/gf. He's all like "so." So I guess he wants friends with benefits, or he wants me back, I'm not sure. I'm not sure being with him is healthy for me since it made me feel like shit when he left he said "It's ok, I don't handle rejection well anyway."

Overall: Rough day. Stressed max. Still depressed, but not as bad as a few weeks ago. Still not seeing a real reason for me to be alive other than to write... that's a hard business to break into. I guess I'll take my meds, watch How To Train Your Dragon again and see if I can sleep tonight. I have an important concert to attend tomorrow night.

08 April 2011

Demons Within Me

Lately I'm finding it more difficult to fall asleep due to my brain being the asshole that it is. I try to relax and I see Mom's face, or remember how she treated me growing up, or see a skeleton with skin sagging off of it gasping for air.

I remember arguments with Dad. Painful arguments. In the most recent one he told me Mom had no heart and I'm exactly like her in bad ways. I think about how he thinks me getting a bachelor's degree is a waste of money and time because I'll never be able to get a job or hold one. It may be a waste of time and money to him, but it is my source of self worth. With me doing bad this semester I have no self worth. That's just the way it works.

I think about my stupid brothers and the bullshit they've played on Mom, me and/or my niece. I think about how they got to live normal lives and I get stuck with this bipolar bullshit which may very well mean in Dad's words - "I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be stuck with you until I die." I guess the truth does indeed hurt, because that hurt like a mother fucker.

That's OK, he has read my manuscript and the chapter about him and my brothers. He said it's well written but he doesn't agree with the analysis of some of the things he's done or said in the past, like the big part about the argument in which he told me he accepts that I have a mental problem but doesn't find it necessary to understand it. Apparently he did Google search bipolar and got confused. Now there's a book on his end table called "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Bipolar." I bought it for Frank but we both figured it would do Dad more good.

As I try to drift off to sleep I think of things like my own death, my suicidality (that is a word now), how much of a failure I am at life, and every dream I have ever had has blown up in my face. I get bitched at about the horses, I'm probably never going to find a man strong enough to date me, let alone marry me, I'm getting cold feet about trying to publish "Heart of a Survivor." It just seems fake now. In the book I'm telling people to be strong and keep going and here I am wanting to lay down, cry, die and give up on everything.

Negative thoughts just flow into my brain most of the time, and they're most annoying and painful when I'm trying to fall asleep. If anybody has some self worth and ego to spare, can you send it my way?

07 April 2011

Disability Denied

Not my body
So it seems I'm not psychotic enough or bipolar enough to collect disability. The only thing they looked at was the medical records which show absolutely nothing because all I tell my doctor is if the medicine is working or not. They didn't check with my 3 contacts to see what life really is like for me, they didn't pay attention to anything I wrote in regards to what life is like for me, they just fucking ignored everything. I'm having breakdowns every week or so and I'm supposed to be able to hold a job, let alone get one? I can't get one because of the big gaps in my employment record anyway, let alone the fact that I've been asked to leave or quit every job because of personality conflicts... meaning I don't play well with others, but I'm supposed to be able to work at McDonalds (who won't hire me back and food service isn't my thing anyway, I last a month in food service). I'm at the point now where all I can do is cry and want to cut. Hopefully the lawyer can get me what I deserve.

01 April 2011

So It's April

It's already starting off bad. I was a day late and a dollar short on dropping a class that's been stressing me and I have no chance of passing. I'll be doing good to pass one class this semester, and it is one I have to pass otherwise I'm up shit creek until next spring when it's offered again. I'm fairly certain I'll pass it though. I have a book review due in it Wednesday and I'm such a slow reader and have been bogged down so much I haven't even finished the book. I'm so sick of reading though. Nothing I read is sticking with me. I'm sick of TV too. All day has been commercials about lung cancer and lung cancer trust funds. MSNBC is getting boring with the same stories over and over again with the lung cancer commercials mixed in.

I'm stoned out of my mind on these meds, probably why I can't remember shit. I want to go back to sleep but for some reason all I do is toss and turn. I tried reading again, it got nowhere so I came here to blog for no real reason other than to whine some more. That's all this blog has been lately, a bunch of fucking whining. I guess at least the blog listens to me even though it doesn't give a fuck about me. That's the thing about inanimate objects, they don't have emotions, sympathy or empathy. That said, I think the Wellbutrin is trying to work, but there's just too much stress for it to overcome. Oh how I'd love a few manic days in a row.