03 March 2011
The Dr. upped my Risperdal to 2mg 2x a day. Today I thought I could get away without my morning Klonopin. Naturally I had a panic attack as soon as I drove onto campus, so I took one. It's a good thing I carry it with me. Of course I fell asleep in my classes.
My meds don't let me read anything for my classes because I can only get 2 lines in before falling asleep. It doesn't help that my eyes naturally skip lines making me reread things a few times.
I'll be doing good to get C's this semester which I'll have to retake to get a B avg so I can go to grad school, assuming grad school doesn't kill me; as I seem to be on my 3rd breakdown in just this semester. I just can't seem to catch a break.
I'm forced to break my promise to myself to get through all 17 hours with A's and B's. I had to drop the fiction class. I honestly want to withdraw from all classes and life since my meds and depression are doing nothing but stressing me out and making me want to sleep 20 hours a day.
I cannot keep up with my reading and actually absorb what the fuck I'm supposed to. I have 4 research papers and 3 book reviews even with dropping fiction. I'm stressed (meds, friends, love, money, school) and frankly I'm pissed!
Pissed because I couldn't handle everything. Pissed because I failed my own goals. Pissed because now I'm going to have to listen to Dad bitch. Pissed because my depression fucked up another semester. Pissed because this time I ended up in an asylum mourning and grieving the loss of Mom, a relationship, my entire family. dad's the only one I think tries to half assed accept me, though he tries to control me and change me like the rest of my DNA bonds.