22 March 2011

MAR 22 2011

The doctor upped the Wellbutrin to 300 mg once a day. I had trouble sleeping and woke up with a sour stomach. Still wanted to puke 2 hours later. So far no change in depression. Hopefully in a few days it'll work. All I want to do is sleep. I guess that's better than wanting to cut or commit suicide. These meds kill me though, and my ability to stay awake, concentrate and function, but I need them or I'll never get better.

I ended up dropping a class, but I'm still painfully behind due to missed classes caused by depression and being locked up. Counselor wasn't in today, which sucks, I could have used a session with him today. S much shit on my mind, pain in my heart and torture in my soul that basically only he can help with.

I'm still upset circumstances (choice?) are taking my best friend from me. Pissed my niece can't understand or accept the fact that I only go to certain people, which she is not. I won't go to her because she doesn't need my shit on top of hers; the roles are supposed to be her coming to me not vice versa; she may think I opened up to her when Mom was dying, but she's wrong. I just wish she'd understand a) there's nothing to help me with and b) I'm always going to be closed with the exception of my elite 4.

The elite 4 seems to keep disappearing and reappearing. #1 is disappearing due to time and phone constraints. #2 confuses me because we both still love each other, but the few phone calls are awkward. #3 disappeared for a month because of her own shit, a month when I could have used her, but now she's coming back. #4 has been watching from the sidelines and calling at the right times - keen to my need of a friend. We must be kindred spirits.

I'm going to miss #1 when he finally walks away. #2 needs to step up and prove he loves me. #3 I hope shit goes better for you. #4 love you too Momma B.


  1. (((hugs))) Hope things get better for you, Sarah. You don't need any more hassles.

  2. Hoping things get better in the future. Sending good thoughts your way!!

  3. Awww I have a pissed off niece. Nothing I can do is fucking right. Nothing I say is good enough, everything I say or do fucking hurts someone so why the fuck bother trying?

  4. (((hugs))) Don't get too down on yourself. PLEASE!! <3 ya