05 March 2011

From Soulless to Shattered

Obviously I'm listening to Arsis as the blog title is one of their songs.

I've had a rather tough day. Luckily I had a couple of friends rescue my self-loathing ass. Hopefully the upped Risperdal is working like it's supposed to and the Wellbutrin will kick in soon.

I'm single, again. It wasn't pretty. I apparently have too much iron in my face (piercings) and too many tats (I only have 11 damn it), and I tried laying  a guilt trip on him supposedly.

I only repeated what my counselors and friends had said: I ran back to him because of the fight with my friend and freaked out because I need to be loved by someone, even if part time. He didn't like that.  He didn't like me telling him I felt cheated that he wasn't going to leave his wife either. Why I believed him this time, I'll never know.
I'll probably never hear from him again. That's too bad because I was loyal as hell to him and I'd have his back no matter what our relationship status is.

Being single wouldn't suck as bad if I was hot enough to have men lining up at the door to either a) give me multiple orgasms or b) love me the way I supposedly deserve to be loved. I don't see either happening. I is FUGLY and have no self worth so what respectable man is going to pick up on me?

The counseling this week sucked. At least I didn't cry this fucking time. Both spoke extensively about how my bantering on about the pain and torment I'm suffering in my little world pains and saddens the friends I rely on most to the point they pull or walk away. This is what happened last weekend.

It had me down to the point I was dreaming of dragging the razor blade across my skin to feel and watch myself bleed for relief.

The grief counselor asked me what it would take for me to gain self worth and I answered basically "getting at least one Ph. D. and getting "Heart of a Survivor" published, possibly with movie rights. She didn't like that.

In my mind - I would then have accomplished the level of education I am intelligent enough to do, even if it kills my bipolar, and I would have gotten the story of my hellatious life out and hopefully helped one person go from victim to survivor.

She "tasked" me to find something that's not external that gives me self worth. It's hard to find self worth when you see nothing in yourself. People tell me I'm intelligent. I say bullshit, look at my fuckin' grades. People say I'm a good writer, I say bullshit I'm mediocre at best. They say I'm creative, yeah but not as creative as the greats who I aspire to be like.

The few times I do find some sort of self value, the depression takes over and it goes away.

Thinking I'm intelligent is fleeting. Thinking I might have what it takes to write, is fleeting. Thinking I might have a chance at life outside of disability and an aging father, fleeting. Thinking I have what it takes to be one of the best wives in the world - fleeting. Dreams of multiple doctorates, books and travels - fleeting dreams that will never come to fruition.

So yeah, I'm not seeing much self worth within me at the moment. I feel alone, lonely and isolated at the same time, none of which are good for a bipolar.

5 comments:

  1. It's not good for a non-bipolar either, but it's pretty much me on a lousy day. I have my Wellbutrin and half a bottle of Kahlua. Wouldn't take much, but I'd have to make sure that the cats were taken care of first. Can't have them chewing on me before the coroner discovers that it's an accidental death. Need that for the insurance for the kids. Or maybe that would be best. Destroy the evidence of suicide by letting the cats chew on it. That might work.

    Thing is, you have to take the "good things" in small doses or you'll never believe yourself. Today, you helped me out of an emotional dive. Just by being you. It may not feel like it's worth a lot to you, but it means a lot to me. I don't like plotting my suicide to look like an accident.

    So that's one thing in your favour for today. It's not much, but it's a start. Tomorrow is a different day for me, but I might need help again. Or you might let *me* help *you*. That makes *me* feel needed and good about myself, so you've helped me to do that. That's worth brownie points.

    It's little things like that, not snarling at someone when you feel like it. Helping a little old lady across the street, petting a cat and making it purr, picking a flower and giving it to a total stranger, just because you can. Smiling when you don't feel like smiling. Making someone else smile. Or worse, laugh out loud! You may not be in a 'good' mood, but you usually manage to make me laugh at least once, even when you're being serious and surly. *g*

    (((hugs))) Thank you, Rage. You've made my day.

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  2. Cheryl, I love your comments. I was going to say something along the same lines. I'm not bi-polar, but I have suffered with depression at different times of my life. I've had meds and seen conselors. I've found that what makes me feel best is when I do the things you said and especially when I feel that I said or did something that helped someone else.

    I don't know why your counselors discouraged you from feeling good about the thought of having your degrees or being a published author, as I can see you doing both, but perhaps they were looking for short-term things like Cheryl said, immediate happy things that you can do right now. The thing is that you do help others even when you may not realize it, and that is something you can feel good about and reflect on during those lonely moments.

    I shared your counselor's misgivings about going back to Dave for the very reasons they stated. But I also knew you were smart enough to figure it out for yourself. I wish you could see that these two guys just weren't right for you and that's all there is to it, and not think that there is something wrong with you. Truly I think that deep down you understand this, but in your disappointment, you beat yourself up for something that is not your fault or even theirs. It just wasn't a good match is all.

    Sarah, you are a unique person, and even you understand that you are different from the run of the mill kind of people you know. Knowing this, you have to understand that a guy you can be happy with definitely is not someone who has issues with the way you are, and if they do, then you don't need them in your life. In the meantime though, you do have friends that care about you, and it sounds like they actually need you in their lives. You have your education to concentrate on and maybe it's a blessing instead of a curse not to have some guy demanding your time and attention right now when you have a pretty demanding life already. Like I keep telling you, the right guy will make his appearance into your life when the time is right. And I think you nailed it, I think you know, no one is looking for someone that appears to be down and desperate unless it's for unhealthy reasons of their own and they want to control or take advantage. However a self-assured woman with goals and accomplishments, is a prize. You have to start thinking of yourself that way even while you are working on getting there. I know you can do this. I know you WILL do this. And when you stop thinking of yourself as a loser, you will no longer be projecting that image and the type of man who wants a strong self-assured woman will be attracted to you, not the needy sort with so many issues of his own. I hope that makes sense.

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  3. Sarah, that was me, Beverly above. I can't figure out how to type under anything but anonymous on here. :o)

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  4. As a woman you will always try to find your worth OUTSIDE of who you are, rather than digging deep inside to see what's good about you. There are so many things that make you worthy. PLEASE look at what you have accomplished.
    Starting your writing, the book, your poetry and this blog. Not only is it digging deep into yourself but it's also helping others!! You ARE going to graduate, you are going to get into graduate school and make yourself into someone that YOU can look at and be proud of!!! I have 100% faith in that. When you can't believe in yourself please lean on those of us that DO BELIEVE in you.

    Sweetie you are a very very special person and have so much to offer to that right person that is lucky enough to be with you. I won't tell you to stop the negative thinking. BUT I will promise you every time you start I'm going to tell you that YOU CAN!!! I love you that much!!!

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  5. MomaB, those are wise words. I'm so glad that Sarah has you in her life. I'm glad you love her that much. There is so much good in Sarah, talent, wit and wisdom, caring for others, so much to help others who are struggling with similar issues. Sarah, don't ever give up. We know you can and will do it!!

    Love and prayers,
    Beverly

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