05 March 2011

Who Needs Sleep?

Depression level: 10.

I've slept, as far as I can tell, 18 of the last 24 hours. I was awake long enough this afternoon to finish most of my disability paperwork, and long enough this evening to go grocery shopping with Dad and write this blog.

I just took my meds (after losing a Wellbutrin pill) so I'll be knocked out again soon.

I guess the lower grade depression I was feeling yesterday was just a tease. I hate feeling like this, like I have no real value in the world, to myself, to others. I'm trying to find myself and my self worth again but failing at it is just driving me deeper into the pit.

I woke up feeling like shit. I filled out the papers, which made me feel more like shit because I obviously fail at real life. Fuck, I fail at The Sims. It took everything I had to go to Walmart. The only reason I went is because Dad took me.

I had Mom on my mind the entire time, because Walmart used to be our thing. I had to get a replacement chain for the pendant I bought for her ashes. I finally found a suitable chain so now I can wear her around my neck again. It was driving me nuts not being able to wear the pendant for a couple of months.

I woke up single. I don't care what you think of my ability to handle a relationship right now; being single fucking hurts. I'm lonely, alone, and isolated.

All I ever wanted from the time I was a little girl was to grow up, get married, have kids and be loved unconditionally by someone worth my time. Now I'm 30, single, childless, and I live with my Dad because I can't make it in the real world. What a wonderful wife I'd make. I'm also fucked out of having kids because of the severity of my bipolar. I can't in good conscience force a child to live the life I've lived.

The depression I'm suffering is so fucking debilitating. I have to argue with myself to take a shower, pick up after myself, do basic everyday things everyone else takes for granted. I really don't want to wake up and go to class. I'd rather sleep 24 hours a day for about 6 months. I'd rather sleep than shower. Rather sleep than anything. In fact, I'm going to go to sleep now.

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