07 March 2011
Breakdown Day 4
I have a select few (4) friends that I will spill my guts to when need-be. I consider these 4 people my counsel. Their domain is my keep. They are my favorites (in a Royal sense). I will not deviate from this unless one of them falls out of favor due to fucking me over. If you are not in this group, sorry. It may or may not be personal, depending on who you are and how my bipolar reacts to you.
Some of you I just don't trust. Some of you have emotions and energies that totally kick in bad shit with me. Some of you made the mistake of thinking the best friend thing was reciprocated. I've said, I only have 4 best friends, 4 friends I go to with most things, only one will I go to with Everything.
I feed off of the "vibes" people put off. If there's one person in the room who's vibes are bad, it'll fuck me up. If I'm at a friend's house the whole time is dictated by the vibes being put out by both parties, but primarily them. I tend to react harshly to bad vibes.
Don't tell me I need help. I'm reaching out and getting the help I need. I have a counselor I see every week, and seem to be on a bi-weekly basis with my medical doctor, with no medical insurance. It is not a cure all. The devil dog has me at rock bottom right now, and he will again.
It's not as though it is for no reason this time. I'm still grieving the loss of my mother, my only reason for living. Her death is still recent so excuse the fuck out of me for not just pulling up my boot laces and chugging on over to sappy happy land where everything's fucking cuddly puppy dogs, rainbows and goddamned purple butterflies.
I'm also grieving the loss of a long term relationship in which I was NOT being used, contrary to everyone's fucking opinions, and going through the hell that is rebounding and unrequited love. Again, excuse the fuck out of me for not being little Miss Sunshine Vanilla Wafers with Cool Whip and strawberries.
But wait, there's more!
For the last four days I've essentially been in bed suffering fits of crying for no reason other than breakups hurt like hell on top of already being depressed. The demon dog has me down hardcore.
Waking up this morning to an attack because I don't consider someone a best friend did nothing to help the situation. If you were to ask me, I'd say this person needs more mental health help than they will admit to.
It was honestly all I could do to get my ass out of bed, only to be greeted with how I treat my friends like shit and about anything else that can be said to sound like my familial ties that I despise.