24 March 2011
I'm not sure why I was stupid, depressed, or anxious enough to call him. The conversations didn't go well, but he's supposed to come over tomorrow. I guess we'll argue more then. I think there's just too much hurt on both sides for a relationship to work. It's too hard to be in one with him, just as hard as being alone. Why must I fall for forbidden, unhealthy love? Why must I crave love at all?
I'm so tired of being alone though. Surely FWB would be ok? The counselor, and well, everyone else, thinks I shouldn't date until I get myself healed. I'm not sure I'll ever heal or become a controlled bipolar. Everyone tells me to find the good in myself to help me heal, I wish I could see in me what my friends do.
I wish I could sleep 20 hours a day again, that thoughts and emotions didn't plague me as they do. I wish the love of my life would hurry up and sweep me off of my feet already. I wish the depression would go away and the meds didn't make me tired and sick.
I'm so far behind in classes because of the depression that I pray for C's. There's not enough waking hours to read and write everything I have to do. The meds and my state of mind do not help.
There are days I wish I weren't alive, days I question life, suicidal days, cutting days, but no days where I'm happy to wake up, to be a live, to just be happy or at least neutral.
In other news I got my manuscript back from a trusted professor, he liked it and gave me suggestions on how to make it harder hitting and not confuse the audience. Overall it was a nice ego stroke. Now hopefully I can write my term paper as well, if not better.