24 March 2011

Anxiety

I've been having serious anxiety issues lately. I can't sleep, or at least fall asleep peacefully. I talked to the ex last night. Neither of us knows where we stand. I think I'm going to offer friends with benefits, because he doesn't seem keen on getting back with me.

I'm not sure why I was stupid, depressed, or anxious enough to call him. The conversations didn't go well, but he's supposed to come over tomorrow. I guess we'll argue more then. I think there's just too much hurt on both sides for a relationship to work. It's too hard to be in one with him, just as hard as being alone. Why must I fall for forbidden, unhealthy love? Why must I crave love at all?

I'm so tired of being alone though. Surely FWB would be ok? The counselor, and well, everyone else, thinks I shouldn't date until I get myself healed. I'm not sure I'll ever heal or become a controlled bipolar. Everyone tells me to find the good in myself to help me heal, I wish I could see in me what my friends do.

I wish I could sleep 20 hours a day again, that thoughts and emotions didn't plague me as they do. I wish the love of my life would hurry up and sweep me off of my feet already. I wish the depression would go away and the meds didn't make me tired and sick.

I'm so far behind in classes because of the depression that I pray for C's. There's not enough waking hours to read and write everything I have to do. The meds and my state of mind do not help.

There are days I wish I weren't alive, days I question life, suicidal days, cutting days, but no days where I'm happy to wake up, to be a live, to just be happy or at least neutral.

In other news I got my manuscript back from a trusted professor, he liked it and gave me suggestions on how to make it harder hitting and not confuse the audience. Overall it was a nice ego stroke. Now hopefully I can write my term paper as well, if not better.

2 comments:

  1. (((Hug))) Maybe it's not "love" you're looking for, per se, but just to 'belong' somewhere? I get the same way on occasion. Drives me nuts because I know it's not necessarily *me* talking, but my depression. It would be nice to have someone to lean on, someone else to do the worrying for a change. If I'm lucky, it only takes a couple of days for me to figure out I need to make a list of things to do to help myself and another week to actually start working on the list, however unenthusiastic I may be about that.

    Wow! You have someone to edit your manuscript? Terrific! The term paper should be a piece of cake then. You can take the critique and apply it to your writing there. That's half the battle of self-editing, knowing what you need to watch for. When I write, if I get stuck, I go back to the beginning or back to the start of what I've written for that day and read it out loud. I can catch grammatical errors that way, and I have some idea of how it sounds/reads. I find that I can follow my line of thinking better if I hear it out loud. Once I get to the end, I start writing again and it seems to get me past that bit of a block.

    (((Hugs))) Good luck to you, Sarah. For what it's worth, I have great faith in you.

    ReplyDelete