26 March 2011

6 month anniversary eve

It may as well be the actual 6 month anniversary of Mom's death. As of writing this it's less than 12 hours away from the exact time. I've been having shitty dreams about her and taking care of her in her last days. I've been having shitty dreams about other things as well. I guess the dreams are going to assault me for awhile.

Dave didn't bother calling or coming over last night so I am assuming his answer is he wants nothing for a relationship/friendship status. It hurts, but I expected it. He could have at least called though.

I've been trying to catch up on my reading. That's not going so well. I'm probably going to fail this semester because I can't remember shit, especially when it's test time. I've spent far too much time trying to deal with this depression bullshit and locking myself up instead of concentrating on school. Then again, concentration is simply out of the question right now. I think it's half depression/grief and half medicine. But I need the meds to survive. Literally survive.

My mind keeps wandering to thoughts of Mom, memories of the horrible things that have been said to me throughout my life - especially by Dave, recent arguments with relatives, everything I've been through in my life, feeling like I'm losing the man who became my best friend. Thinking that nobody would notice, or care if I just keeled over myself, wondering why the fuck it was Mom and not me. What do I have to offer? I'm fucking 30 and live with my father because I can't get/hold a job and go to school, praying I get disability. I can't seem to ever get it together.

A friend said there are two types of girls: Those you go out with and those you marry. He forgets the third type: people like me. I don't have men beating down my door asking for dates/fucks or marriage. If I did, I wouldn't know what to do aside from being skeptical of his intentions. My bipolar would make life hell for whoever decided to marry me, and probably for those that would date me. So there it is, I'm the 3rd type - the untouchable, the perma-friend who won't get a chance at the love she wants.


  1. I hate it so when you learned something in one state of mind, then your chemicals shifted and you can't remember even going over it.
    Sucks puss-filled donkey balls.

  2. I'm going to suggest something. It won't relieve all the grief, but might help (then I'll shut up): Give yourself a specific time every day to grieve. Choose an hour (or more, whatever you need) that is usually 'down time' when you don't have to do anything else. Here is how it works. During class, when you're reading, in the library -- during all those times you have to do other things, think about other things, and your mom comes to mind, maybe it feels like you have to stop and grieve. Tell yourself, "I love you, Mom. I have to do this work right now, but tonight at 7:00, I will spend time with my thoughts for you and you only." It sounds corny, but it worked for me when I lost the love of my life, my Grandmother. It got me through the day most of the time. That's all. Hugs and hopes you feel better, CJ.

  3. It's not stupid CJ. I never thought of that. I'm just going through a tough time. I'm half tempted to withdraw but I'm going to suck it up and keep going, if I fail something, then I fail something.