30 March 2011

30 mar 2011 - Crumbling

I was dumb enough to check my midterm grades. I literally have a D in everything but one class. I got a letter from the registrar's office saying hurry up and get your degree, you're running out of hours. Now I have to drop to a B.S. in History with a minor in English Lit. I wanted the B.A.  On top of it all, I'll never have the 3.0 I need to get into KU's grad program. I'm so ready to give up. I'm sick of working my ass off and getting nothing accomplished.

I can't get this bipolar shit under control. I can't shake the depression. I'm so far behind in my work I'll never catch up, no matter how hard I try. But there are people out there "pulling for me" and think I can make something of myself.

I ain't gonna be nothin' but a po' ass goth redneck on disability (assuming I get it) rockin' in the corner, cryin' 'cause every dream I've dared to dream I've managed to fuck up. I'm gonna be single forever, because honestly, who the fuck would want my ass. The only way I have out of living with Dad is either he dies (which better not happen) or my writing career takes off... even though I'm a mediocre writer.

My friends keep disappearing, and the ones that have offered themselves up just haven't earned my trust yet. I'm what you call "slow to warm." I feel I have good reasons not to trust people. It doesn't matter, every friendship I've ever had has simmered down to lukewarm, is breaking away, or has already ceased contact. New friendships shall end with the same fate of bleakness. Relationships shall always fail. I shall always be a fuckup.


  1. Does the Disability services office have any suggestions? Really, you should be able to hand work in late without penalty if the delay was caused by your illness.

  2. I just found your blog today and I can so relate. I was an English Major too- and have a MA in Victorian Lit. Minored in History, of course European.

    I took the liberty of adding you to my blogroll, and personal RSS feeds, so I can follow you. Hang in there.

  3. Thanks Susan. You can't beat European History. If I end up with a masters in Lit it would be beginnings. I think I'll stick with the History for now with the lit minor. I can do more with a degree in His.