28 February 2011

Withdrawn

Let's put it this way, if I could magically take a pill that would make everything ok in my life again, I would. Instead I'm withdrawn from the world. I've pushed everyone away. Friends can only handle me in small doses because my depression is so severe. I find no joy in anything I used to find joy in. Everything makes me cry. I can't watch or read anything. Fuck if I want to fish which was my only out. Music is a double edged sword, it makes me cry and feeds my ability to write. I don't even want to write that much. I don't want to do anything.

I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and sleep 20 hours a day. Every conversation I have with every friend ends up the same way - me being hurt more because I see them backing away. I guess I'm just that big of a cunt.

I'm going to end up flunking this semester because I can't concentrate on shit because of the daemon dog at my throat. I see all of my dreams and hopes disappearing in front of my eyes, and there ain't a fucking thing I can do about it besides be a complete fucking failure and a guinea pig. I honestly don't even give a fuck if I fail or not. I'd much rather find the peace Mom finally got than go through this shit day by day.

It's not my fault I'm bipolar and goddamn depressed, grieving the loss of Mom and 2 friendships, so when the fuck do I get a goddamn say in my fucking life?

Isolation is bad for me, but I find myself not giving a fuck anymore. Not giving a fuck about anything or anyone.

Nobody gives enough of a fuck about me to return calls or texts. The phone never rings anyway, and if it does I hate it. There's only two people who can call me that would bring a smile to my face. And after the conversation with one of them last night, that may be down to one since "I'm putting too much weight on him." My lifeline is frayed. The lifeboat has a hole in it. And I have no fucking clue what he means by "keep the venting on me moderate." What the fuck? Really? What the fuck is moderate? I guess I'm just stuck with 50 minutes a week with a counselor for an outlet since I don't want to do anything more to put more weight on "him." I guess when shit gets thick is when you find out who's worthy to be in your keep and not.

TLDR; I'm withdrawn from the world. Nobody can handle my depressive states when I need them the most so I trust nobody. Nothing brings me joy anymore. And I'm a big fuckup at life.

2 comments:

  1. Sarah, I totally understand how you feel about wanting to sleep forever and withdraw from the world. BTDT. I hope they get your medication leveled out as I think that will help a lot. I hope you can come to see yourself as the one in charge and not base your self-worth on how you think others view you. I hope you will come to understand that no matter how much you may want a relationship to be a certain way, if those same feelings are not reciprocated, it is not your fault, nor does it mean you are lacking in some way, only that the other party doesn't share your feelings, and that is something you have no control over. None of us have the power to make people be what we want them to be. That can seem cruel at times, but it also means freedom for us as well, as no one wants to be controlled by another's emotions. I also know that there is someone out there that will come into your life when you are feeling strong, in charge of your life and not looking for anyone else to complete you. That's how it happens with healthy relationships. As long as you are looking for other people to define your self-worth, to complete you and view their unreturned ideas of what the relationship should be as a personal rejection of your character, I do not think you will find yourself in a healthy relationship. It is when you are strong and self-sustaining that people who are worthy of sharing your life with come seeking you. If you are feeling sad and full of self-destructive emotions, people may form relationships with you based on less than healthy reasons have nothing to do with true love. All this said, I do know that people don't know what to say to a very depressed person, and often their attempts seem to make things worse, and they are aware that this can happen, so they too tend to withdraw. People do care about you. I know this is true from all the people who comment to you. You have a lot to live for, and I truly believe that you can graduate and live a rewarding and even exciting life, that you have a lot to offer others just by being you and knowing things you know. I, like others, don't always comment because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. So I hope this wasn't something that I shouldn't have said and that you don't take it badly. I also know that sometimes pep talks irritate more than help, and people who come on like Mary Sunshine can have the opposite affect. So please forgive me if my comments are unwelcome and know that my heart's intent is to encourage you and to let you know that people really do care, even if they don't seem to.

    Beverly

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am not there on a daily basis so I can't PHYSICALLY be there for you....I wish I could!! No I don't want to try to fix you, but I will be an ear to bend if you'd like to talk. IDK how many times I have to say that before you take me up on it. As I told you if you call me I can always call you back to save the money on the call.

    I LOVE YOU!! I would do or give anything to see/hear you are happy again.

    ReplyDelete