28 February 2011
I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and sleep 20 hours a day. Every conversation I have with every friend ends up the same way - me being hurt more because I see them backing away. I guess I'm just that big of a cunt.
I'm going to end up flunking this semester because I can't concentrate on shit because of the daemon dog at my throat. I see all of my dreams and hopes disappearing in front of my eyes, and there ain't a fucking thing I can do about it besides be a complete fucking failure and a guinea pig. I honestly don't even give a fuck if I fail or not. I'd much rather find the peace Mom finally got than go through this shit day by day.
It's not my fault I'm bipolar and goddamn depressed, grieving the loss of Mom and 2 friendships, so when the fuck do I get a goddamn say in my fucking life?
Isolation is bad for me, but I find myself not giving a fuck anymore. Not giving a fuck about anything or anyone.
Nobody gives enough of a fuck about me to return calls or texts. The phone never rings anyway, and if it does I hate it. There's only two people who can call me that would bring a smile to my face. And after the conversation with one of them last night, that may be down to one since "I'm putting too much weight on him." My lifeline is frayed. The lifeboat has a hole in it. And I have no fucking clue what he means by "keep the venting on me moderate." What the fuck? Really? What the fuck is moderate? I guess I'm just stuck with 50 minutes a week with a counselor for an outlet since I don't want to do anything more to put more weight on "him." I guess when shit gets thick is when you find out who's worthy to be in your keep and not.
TLDR; I'm withdrawn from the world. Nobody can handle my depressive states when I need them the most so I trust nobody. Nothing brings me joy anymore. And I'm a big fuckup at life.