28 February 2011

This deserved a blog

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I totally understand how you feel about wanting to sleep forever and withdraw from the world. BTDT. I hope they get your medication leveled out as I think that will help a lot. I hope you can come to see yourself as the one in charge and not base your self-worth on how you think others view you. I hope you will come to understand that no matter how much you may want a relationship to be a certain way, if those same feelings are not reciprocated, it is not your fault, nor does it mean you are lacking in some way, only that the other party doesn't share your feelings, and that is something you have no control over. None of us have the power to make people be what we want them to be. That can seem cruel at times, but it also means freedom for us as well, as no one wants to be controlled by another's emotions. I also know that there is someone out there that will come into your life when you are feeling strong, in charge of your life and not looking for anyone else to complete you. That's how it happens with healthy relationships. As long as you are looking for other people to define your self-worth, to complete you and view their unreturned ideas of what the relationship should be as a personal rejection of your character, I do not think you will find yourself in a healthy relationship. It is when you are strong and self-sustaining that people who are worthy of sharing your life with come seeking you. If you are feeling sad and full of self-destructive emotions, people may form relationships with you based on less than healthy reasons have nothing to do with true love. All this said, I do know that people don't know what to say to a very depressed person, and often their attempts seem to make things worse, and they are aware that this can happen, so they too tend to withdraw. People do care about you. I know this is true from all the people who comment to you. You have a lot to live for, and I truly believe that you can graduate and live a rewarding and even exciting life, that you have a lot to offer others just by being you and knowing things you know. I, like others, don't always comment because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. So I hope this wasn't something that I shouldn't have said and that you don't take it badly. I also know that sometimes pep talks irritate more than help, and people who come on like Mary Sunshine can have the opposite affect. So please forgive me if my comments are unwelcome and know that my heart's intent is to encourage you and to let you know that people really do care, even if they don't seem to.

It's not that the feelings are unreciprocated, it's that he was the only one I could trust to not look at me like I'm not a human - even if I had a breakdown at 3am. Normally I don't care what people think, except the ones I let in, like "him."

I'm not exactly looking for completion of me, just someone to share my shitty life with, someone to help take the fucking pain away, or at least help me tolerate it for another day. Whether it's a boyfriend or just a friend, it doesn't matter.

The one I trusted most, "him"... is setting up for full abandonment. He forgets I've been there done that, had it happen before, he's doing every single thing Jim did in the months leading up to the end of our friendship, including uttering words to the effect of I need my space.

He's withdrawing because he feels like he fails at "taking the dog away." The dog's never going to go away, just like ex wives, children and other baggage are never going to go away. He's withdrawing because I went to him most, mostly because he was the only asshole that would answer the phone. He's withdrawing because my depression is too much for him to shoulder. He's withdrawing because he thinks he's part of the problem, which he kind of is, but only because I was stupid enough to freak out, think he was abandoning me, and I had to tell him how I felt, because I couldn't stomach the idea of an ending interpersonal relationship without him knowing what was inside my heart.

Now he doesn't look at me the same. He doesn't act the same. He doesn't talk to me the same. It's like I'm now tainted goods to him. It's like the friendship has been damaged by a tornado, if not completely destroyed. I see him - I see other friends withdrawing, bordering on abandoning, if not fully abandoning me.

I can handle that he doesn't love me and never will (kind of), but to downgrade the friendship to that which seems more of an acquaintance is too hard to take. And that's exactly how my brain interprets "Keep the venting to me to moderate levels" or even worse, the condescending, "Dial it down a bit."

I thought we were "best friends," the type that could watch movies and hang out together, and bullshit on the phone, but it seems he doesn't want that anymore. The kind of best friends that don't leave each other when it get's thick. I guess those don't really happen. I've read too many books or watched too many movies. The downgrade hurts so much you may as well be ripping my uterus out by hand through my belly button.

For him to say I can still rely on him as a friend, he just doesn't understand. Now I have it in my head that he shoulders my problems too, so now I, in my consciousness, cannot go to him because I don't want to put more weight on him.

I honestly thought he was one of those people that let other people's problems roll off of their back. To know that he doesn't do that means I have to change how I interact with him. It means I feel like I can't go to him with my problems, for advice, for venting, or just a shoulder to cry on because that would be adverse to him. He forgets I'm a self-sacrificing woman - whatever's best for him - fuck what it does to me.

Him backing away leaves me virtually friendless aside from virtual friends and with nowhere to go except my 50 minute session once a week with my counselor.

4 comments:

  1. Sarah, it still doesn't mean you are at fault or failed in any way. People have failed you, and people will always let you down if you have expectations of them. I'm sorry that it got to be too much for your friend. I mean that. I have had friends who couldn't deal with my issues either; it happens to all of us. I just wanted you to know that I see you as someone who can be in control of your life, and you need to see yourself that way too. If I am wrong to comment or have offended you, I am sorry. If my comments are inappropriate or unwanted, please let me know and I'll stop. Beverly

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  2. Don't every be afraid to say something to me Bev. I just felt that your comment could be expanded upon. I would love to be in control of my life, it's just not happening for me right now, unfortunately. I honestly look forward to your comments because I know you sincerely care about me and what I go through, and you can identify on different levels.

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  3. If you are friendless except for virtual friends, what am I? :)

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  4. I do care, Sarah, and I'm glad you understand that. It is so hard to see you beating yourself up and I just want you to know that I see you as someone who can and will make a success out of your life. You've had some set backs, but you can still do it. I'm glad you have a counselor, because while meds are important, I think a sounding board is too. . .and I've had both. I'm glad your counselor mentioned to you that bounding right back to Dave after feeling rejected by this other guy might not be the best thing for you emotionally in the long run. Yet, I know you are a smart person, and I'm sure this has also crossed your mind. Sometimes, I think it just helps to hear if from someone else. And if Dave truly makes you happy, I so much want this for you. You didn't sound like it did when you were with him before. . .but people can change, and I hope maybe he has learned to give a little more. But I don't know him, so my comments are only based on what you have shared. I want you to feel loved and to be happy, and I hope Dave will make you feel that way. Just wanted you to know that. Your virtual friend, Beverly

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