11 February 2011

Since sleep eluded me...

I'll start by saying I think I found my "inner Scaeva" again, even after a shitty phone conversation that brought me to tears again. Also, HALDOL SUCKS!

I'll just say there is no number one reason for my horrid state of mine. It is a myriad of reasons.
  1. I miss my fucking Mommy. It sucks losing your best(only) friend and the only parent who cared to understand and accept you for you at the same time.
  2. I am/was going through a breakup and the adverse reactions of that.
  3. I thought I loved someone who was simply a friend. Though we will never agree to the fact that it's simply - I'm not good enough.
  4. I was/am seriously missing the long term relationship I alluded to in 2.
  5. I'm simply bipolar. This helps nothing.
  6. I'm a woman and have hormones... this helps nothing either.
  7. Isolation: I have few friends, and the ones I do have we don't do much together. With Mom dead, I have nobody to talk to, nobody to excitedly tell the details of my day to, nobody to cook for. I have nothing but me and the animals.
  8. I just can't get rid of the fucking depression.
  9. I'm intelligent enough to know I'm going fucking loony but powerless to stop it.
  10. I am at my weakest when it has things dealing with the heart. I'm a romantic, deal with it.
At the hospital, I made a big hit with my fresh piercings and my tats. The people I got on with there were like me, just depressed, intelligent and took responsibility for their own actions. They were there for a reason, as was I. That's not to say there weren't some more interesting people.

I was released because I was no longer a threat to myself and others, I have a treatment plan (GP for meds, Counselor Steve for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and finding a true psychiatrist to deal with the rapid cycling bipolar), and I have a network of safe houses set up. Instead of checking in again, I have a few friends where I can go crash while waiting for my meds to work and the feelings to go away as they do and they will make sure I don't do anything stupid except they'll laugh if I fall off of the couch.

While I was having my vacation from the real world, some realizations came to light:
  • I need to take my meds earlier in the trigger mode
  • If I'm paranoid I need to make sure to isolate myself, take my meds and avoid all triggers and conversations.
  • I am fucked up, but at least I have the balls to try to somewhat control it.
  • I need a new anti-depressant, one that might actually work.
  • I'm not stupid, nor helpless, though I still feel worthless (CBT works on that).
  • If a friend cannot handle seeing me at my lowest lows and considers walking away, I must question the strength of the friendship.
  • Dave (the ex) called 8 times when he found out I was in the loony bin. He was legitimately concerned, baffled and just wanted to show me that he does love me.
  • I cried and triggered when I thought of a relationship unattained with Mr. Unrequited, and smiled when I thought of Dave telling me he cares, he still loves and misses me, and hopes I can get evened out again.
  • I learned who my best friends are, and who cannot handle me at my worst without wanting to walk away, supposedly for my benefit, though it comes across as for their benefit instead.
  • I learned, I am never checking myself into the asylum again. 
  • I will fight it, I will fucking win.

5 comments:

  1. I can fucking sympathize with the "never checking myself in again."
    And a lot of the other stuff on there.

    We may not want to bed you, but we love you, Sarah. Just the hard-bitten, hopelessly romantic, coarse way you are.

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  2. Hopefully you were able to get a little bit of sleep. I know how that can affect how you feel with the bi polar disorder. I am here for you when you need to talk, not going to push. I just wish there weren't so many miles between us.

    I understand that there are so many things you have to deal with. I just hate that it came down on you all at the same time. Before you feel backed into a corner again please use me or any other friends that offer as your support system. Being a strong person it is hard to accept someone's help but I don't ever want you to feel like you are alone in any of this.

    I love you my Sarah!!!

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  3. Momma B - How far from Duke University are you? lol. I'd prefer be a blue devil than a tarheel.

    Love you too Jon.

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  4. We all love you, Sarah. I am just an on line friend, but have read enough of your stuff to feel I know you. I hope you will forgive my qualms about Dave and know that of course I want you to have love and happiness. I don't know Dave or anything about him except for what you shared, and then it didn't sound like he made you happy and that he was adding to your depression and negative feelings about yourself. You are a big girl and fully capable of making your own decisions, and I hope letting him back into your life is a good one. Please do take care.

    Love and prayers,
    Beverly

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  5. Duke is about 2 hours from here. BTW I don't know if Deanno would like it much....he's tarheels all the way!!!

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