14 February 2011
Safety Nets in Mental Illness
Unfortunately I made one carer the most important part of the net rather than keeping him even with the rest, weakening my support system. One frayed section of mesh weakens the rest of the net.
The closest thing I can relate it to is the poor schmucks who ride bikes across tightropes (mentally ill people) need some sort of safety device under them so when they fall they don't die (mentally ill safety net). Anyone who is mentally ill and recognizes it, knows their ass is going to fall off of the rope, several times, and hit rock bottom hard. The net keeps us safe from death. Literally, death.
I personally fell off of my tightrope on Feb. 9th for a myriad of reasons. I did have at least one strand of safety net still in place so I ended up in the psych ward for a couple of days... but at least I was still alive. Highly depressed but alive. Even now I'm bouncing around, mostly sticking at a deep depression... but I'm not suicidal nor wanting to self harm because that part of my safety net worked properly. Thank you Linda and Wizwom.
What I personally expect from a safety net is:
A) just fucking listen to me and let me get it out of my system even if it takes 3 hours of me crying uncontrollably.
B) Ask if I've taken my meds, and remind me to take another one and breathe for half an hour to see if the feelings go away.
C) Let me cry and don't tell me that I make everything difficult, including the friendship - especially if I'm crying and fucking telling you I'm tired of fighting and really want to die.
D) Believe me if I tell you I'm sick of fighting life, feeling like shit and being depressed.
E) LET ME VENT, LET ME VENT, LET ME VENT and STOP TRYING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEM! LET ME VENT! The doctor can solve my problem, I just have to last long enough to get to the appointment.
I relied far too heavily on Frank to be there for me 100% of the time and therefore he was to be able to talk me away from the razor blade every time. That was wrong. It put too much on him. Especially since he's still a n00b to this whole mental illness thing. I'm teaching him for the most part.
That's interesting, a psychopath teaching a friend the ways of how to deal with a psychopath even though I'm not always sure how to deal with my psychopathic self.
Now, sadly, I've pushed Frank away. I personally never see him having much contact with me until I get my meds under control (which may literally be never.) Honestly I'm not sure he'd want anything to do with my psychotic bipolar ass even if I do get the meds fixed.
'Tis sad. He was so close now he's thrown me out of the car 10 miles outside of town in the fucking snow and freezing rain. Totally my fault for being out of control, though it's hard to control a train wreck.