27 February 2011

Night of Nightmares

Ok so it's 4:48 and I've been awake for 20 minutes since my last nightmare. I've had 3 tonight. The kind that make you get up swinging.  

I told you the black dog don't never leave me alone, ever.

Sweat is still emitting from every pore in my body. My pulse feels like it's in the 120 range. Breathing is fun, or would be if my respirations weren't like 25. And I'm dizzy from the meds on top of it all.

My muscles are stiff as hell. Apparently when you dream your body is supposed to paralyze itself so you don't hurt yourself or someone else. I wish my brain would paralyze itself so I don't remember the nightmares. Actually, I just wish my brain would fucking paralyze itself.

1) Reoccurring dream of my "friend" having a heart attack.
2) Finding Dave stabbed to death by his psychopath.
3) My best friend walking away from me because I can't get rid of this black dog and I tend to be mean and snippy when I'm stressed and depressed which means I'm a psychotic asshole.

I've had a wonderful triggered night concerning myself with getting the grades to get into grad school, finishing "The Waiting Years" in which the two people that die made me cry, something I didn't need to do anymore of this week. But mostly I've been triggered by fearing #3.

My cats are sticking close, I'm pretty sure Sir Yvain is super glued to me. The dog that was Mom's is keeping vigilant watch over me like a guard in a gun tower. I honestly can't figure out if I want to cry, go back to sleep or cry myself to sleep.

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