05 February 2011

Night 3

Because you forgot to call, I was stupid enough to call you. That was a mistake. I ended up crying to you on the phone upset because you've ripped my fucking heart out and smashed it to pieces.

You pretend to be upset that I'm upset but in reality you're just upset that you're the asshole causing the tears this time and not Dave. You have no clue how deep my emotions for you run.

It used to be when I was upset and crying I could gain some solace by pretending I was cuddling with you, or even call you. Now you're the cause of the pain and I have no way to relieve the agony. I have to endure it, constantly wiping the snot and tears from my face because I'm not good enough for you to love back.

Yeah, fuck it, since it's never gonna happen - I love you.

Not a day goes fucking by I don't goddamn think about you. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how you're feeling, if you're tired, happy, sad, pissed, stressed. Not a fucking day goes by that I don't want to be in your (now known as fake) tight embrace. There used to be a time when just the look in your eyes and smile could make me feel better. You were there when I needed you most and too blind to see the fact that I "had a thing for you." Wake the fuck up dude. Everyone could tell. Everyone fucking knew. Now you have the balls to be upset because you don't know how to make me feel better? WTF?!? Guess you shouldn't have ever lied to me.

All my other friends are telling me to stop contact with you. How the fuck do you stop contact with someone you have feelings for? Because I'm damned sure you're not going to take the steps to contact me, to continue a friendship and definitely not to spark anything more since you're a pussy and can't see it in front of your fucking face.

Yeah, I wasn't looking when I met you, I was happily with Dave. I wasn't looking when I met Richard the stalker. I wasn't looking when I came across the one you are becoming more like - Jim (Howard in the manuscript). I had sworn off all human beings when Dave wormed his goddamn way into my life and heart.

I sure as fuck am not happy I ever opened up to you and let you into my heart and mind. It's been the cause of much pain and torment with your mixed fucking signals, your refusal to communicate unless it's to remind me of painful things like "hur dur I'm not looking, just thought I'd say that for the 100th time to make you hurt more!"

Why the fuck did you ever pretend to be my friend and concerned about me? Why the fuck do you lie to me and tell me I have a future and shit when I know damn good and well I'm stuck being poor white trash for the rest of my fucking life? Why did you ever pretend to care about  me? Don't tell me it's not pretending, it is. If it wasn't pretending you wouldn't have sent mixed signals.

You want to talk about me putting the cart ahead of the horse? Well here it goes buddy. I've wanted a relationship with you for a long fucking time. I want to do shit with you like go to dinner, watch movies, travel the fucking world together. I want you to see me as something better than "just friends," I want you to see me as not only compatible, but lovable. Now that I know that's never gonna happen it's back to me doing everything the fuck alone, again, as I've done my entire fucking friendless piece of shit existence.

Mom totally should have had an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me. She would have saved me a lot of pain and torment, and I never would have had to meet any of the exes or you, Mr. Unrequited Pussyface.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, first off, I'm very sorry about your pain, and it's coming through loud and clear.

    I'm sure what I'm going to say you've already been hearing from your true friends, but. . .this isn't the guy for you! It just wasn't meant to be. Somewhere out there is the one, and usually "the one" finds you when you aren't even looking for him. Now is the time to just be you and be the very best "You" you can be. Now is the time to concentrate on your school, your talents and your work. You do have friends and people who care about you. I wish your dad was supportive, but you need to let that go too, as he's not about to change. It appears that you do have a good support group here. I wish you wouldn't say you are "white trash." Your mom was a nurse, and that is a highly respectible occupation. And your mom loved you, even though she was not perfect and made mistakes with you. And she obviously wanted you and did not choose abortion. Hon, you are hurting right now, but this guy isn't worth your tears. You are worthy of love and respect, but first you have to respect and yes, even learn to love yourself.

    I hope I have not spoken out of line here, but I just want you to know that you are lovable and interesting. And you have done things and had adventures like going to Europe that most can only dream about. Write about the things you know and are passionate about. Write the story of Boudicca/Sarah, but make her the winner, the hero. You have a lot to say, but don't stab yourself in the heart any more. I can see you as the beautiful, confident woman you were meant to be, but you don't see yourself that way yet. Cultivate that image in your own mind and plant it in your psche, and the man who is looking for that woman will find you. Do you see what I'm saying? Please forgive me if I intruded where I shouldn't have. It's just hard to see you being so down on yourself without saying something.

    Love and prayers,