04 February 2011

Night 2

This is the second night in a row I've been brought to tears by the sudden realization that "He just ain't into me." It doesn't help that I'm fucking sick, PMSing, tired of being stuck in this goddamn house, and tired of being alone. I should have stayed with Dave, maybe I should call him. Maybe he's learned his lesson in how to treat me and accept me for who I am.

I'm so fucking stupid for not noticing the signs with Awesomesauce... I cuddle with him, he don't cuddle back; I kiss his cheek, he don't kiss back; I hug with all my might, he pussy man hugs. He has the balls to get pissed off at me for having a low self image. What kind of fucking self image am I supposed to have when the gods decide to shit on me again?

Oh look here's this awesome man who's perfect for you in every way! Hahahahahahaha. We'll give him commitment issues, we'll make him so detached that he can have no emotions, we'll make sure he never sees you as anything other than the stupid little friend with delusions of grandeur! Yeah, that'll fuck with you, Boudicca! Hahaha!

Why is it so wrong for me to want him to see that I'd treat him like a fucking god, and want something more than just friends? Why is it so wrong for me to actually want to love and be loved without all the dysfunctional bullshit? Why the fuck does this shit have to happen around Valentine's Day when the only shit being played on TV is this mushy romantic shit that will never happen for me?

The only thing I've ever wanted my entire life (aside from my black Arabian horse) is for a man to meet my intellect, have the same interests I do, want to travel and love me for who I am - bipolar and pms included. So why, dear gods, do you deny me this every single time? Why did he have to be my friend? Why didn't he just tell me to piss off?

I feel manipulated, hurt and pissed. Pissed because I get fucked over again in the love department, I fall, the object is repulsed and I was too stupid to see the same signs that Jim displayed. Hurt for obvious reasons, because Awesomesauce is literally one of a kind... and the only one that can handle my moods because he is so even in his moods, and I can't have him because he's not interested in relationships or me. That hurts more, that he's not interested in (thus rejecting) me. I guess I really am a big enough piece of shit that no matter how much I can match a man's intellect or how well I can feed his ass I still repulse them. I wonder if I still have the power of turning a man gay too. That'll be the next fucked up relationship... "I'm dumping you because I want to be fucked in the ass by James over here."

Feeling manipulated may or may not be a legit feeling or thought. This man "is" a friend, he's been there for me through thick and thin, and naturally he's given out mixed signals. Oh I'll let her cuddle with me, I'll let her kiss my cheek, I'll talk to her for hours on end about everything we can think of to talk about every day. Then when I'm stupid enough to proclaim my feelings for him... BOOM! I'm not looking. I'm probably never going to be in a relationship again. Sorry for hurting you though. Yeah. Thanks.

My fucking feelings have been developing since March. I think we'd be an awesome couple if someone wasn't too big of a pussy to try relationships again. Intellectually and emotionally we are compatible. Then again I'd rather be with someone who has a big brain as compared to being with someone with a big dick. We both accept each others flaws and deal with them. He has done nothing but show me loyalty, honesty and respect and this is what I get. Depression and tears and depression and tears... because I'm not even good enough to give him the bravery to try to be with a real woman instead of some bitch who's just gonna use him and cannot meet his intelligence.

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