I would like to begin the blog with a long, frustrated scream. And these pictures:
Because I was not paying attention to how many Lexapro tabs the nurse called in for me, I am out. This is good and not so good. I'm sure the Lexapro wasn't working at all and the little bit of relief I felt was from the Risperidone acting as a mood stabilizing agent.
I had no Lexapro last night, nor will I tonight. Instead I took 2 mg of the Risperidone in an attempt to head off seriously negative effects. I don't think it worked well but it's better than nothing. Thankfully I have an appointment on Friday.
Unfortunately Lexapro is one of those wonderful drugs you are supposed to taper down from. Guess what's not happening here? I'm already feeling the withdrawal effects. I'm dizzy as hell especially when I move my eyes, I can't concentrate, I can't see straight, I get a tingly sensation and see cool colors if I close my eyes and look one way or the other, and my lips are so tingly that I find myself poking at them just to get the giggle from the sensation. Imagine Novocaine wearing off after a dentist appointment... that's my lips. It's going to get worse. I'll start twitching and shaking. I'll probably get sick to my stomach, and bounce between high manic and suicidal depressed about 12 times a day. Then there's the bouncing between starving myself and gorging! Oh and there's the pissed off rabid wolverine temperament as well, between that and whiny I'm sure life is fun for Frank the Friend/object of my affection.
Not like the depression thing hasn't been a serious issue for a couple of weeks (hence back blogs).
I would like to apologize in public to the object of my affection who has offered me rejection for handling it like a fucking psychopath, not the person I am and lost somewhere inside me.
I just love my paranoid brain and the fact that everything has to be NOW since I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Hey 1 of the 3 suicide attempts should have fucking worked. It didn't, so now I'm stuck... and Awesomesauce said he'd duct tape me to the ceiling if I tried the shit on his watch. Not just duct tape - HOT PINK duct tape. I cannot have that.
On Friday I get to be a guinea pig again! It's time to break out the bigger anti-depressants since I've been on 40mg of Lexapro for 8 years, and I'm not sure we can up it more without going into danger zone since 40 is twice the normal dose given. Also, since PMS seems to sway the swings more, I should probably check into Depo as well to see if that helps calm shit down. I guess I'll have to become a prostitute just to pay for my medicines.
I'm sure the side effect phase of a new anti-depressant and possibly Depo or some sort of hormone changing birth control will be absolutely wonderful! Zombification, insomnia, puking, shitting, being bitchy, depressed immune system, being paranoid, shaking. It'd be my luck the damn anti-depressant works the opposite for me and depresses me more and induces suicidal thoughts and dreams of cutting again.
And when that anti-depressant doesn't work, try another one, and another, and another. Eventually get stuck seeing a real psychiatrist which costs money and arguing with them about why I will refuse to take Prozac and Lithium. And when that shit fails, guess what?!?
Who wants to be normal when you can be zapped into having a seizure and be pumped full of Haldol and Thorazine?