03 February 2011

Love, Lust, Infatuation... whatever.

Love. Hahahahahhaha. Love. Fuck love. Men should start wearing their cups because I'm about ready to go nut kickin' for the hell of it. Damn deities are always going to deny me love. I haven't even completely fallen, but I am falling... falling into a deep abyss of hell, hate and pain.

Most assholes call it unrequited love. I call it the asshole doesn't see me for the awesomeness I am so the gods punish me and my weak heart with my strong need to find the one person who can make self-imposed isolation tolerable. I also call it "dude's being a pussy because he got hurted."

"I'm not looking for a relationship" means: "I'm too big of a pussy to try another relationship because the ex still has my balls in her kitchen; You're not good enough for me; I just like playing with you." A.K.A. Rejection for no reason other than pussification and the gods thinking it funny to make me the perpetual worthless friend.

Now, if I were truly an intelligent human being, which apparently I am not, I would never have violated my number one rule: Do not ever, under any circumstances open up to let the dick swinger really know how you feel. As per usual, breaking this rule causes pain. With this dude it is more and more difficult to hide my feelings and thoughts. I never had that problem with any of my exes, most likely because they would berate me for even having those damned things called feelings and emotions anyway.

I'm not even with the dude, I'm just pining for him. So why does it piss me off and hurt that I can't have him for whatever the excuse of the day is? Why should I be pissed and jealous that he "goes to dinner" with other females? Why do I think he's lying his ass off when he says he's not going out to get laid? Why do I fucking feel inferior to all these bitches he goes out with? Oh, that's right, because I am goddamned inferior and I know he is of nobler birth than I, me being perpetually poor white trash undeserving of a soul mate. Then again they always start out awesome. They all have flaws which I generally easily overlook unless they raise the "abusive, controlling dickhead" red flag.

Why should I be taking notice of the mixed signals he's apparently too blind to see only to know that sometime in the near future I'll be squashed to the ground again in a reminder that he isn't looking for a relationship or, even better, I'm putting the cart way ahead of the horse. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm not fantasizing about marriage or any of that meaningless bullshit. I'm just trying to savor every second of conversation on the phone, every minute spent together in the real world and every letter typed in e-mail.

So why do I think I'm fucking nuts for a) falling for this guy that has proven more than loyal and trustworthy, b) wishing he were mine and mine alone, c) continuing the friendship, almost needing contact with him, knowing that I'll "inadvertently" be hurt continuously with reminders of the fear of relationships, the dumbass thinking he's bad in them, that whatever the fuck I do makes him think we're "going in the relationship direction" to the point that I have no clue what the fuck to do anymore.

Do I just sit on the goddamn couch like a statue with my face perfectly glued to the tv and my mouth shut? Do I turn off all of my emotions? Do I limit myself to two syllables or less on the phone instead of in depth 3 hour conversations about everything? Do I hide who I really am, my thoughts, my feelings, my very fucking being just to make him comfortable? How the fuck am I supposed to read no resistance to snuggling, hugging, cheek kissing and kind words telling him how awesome he is in my eyes? Because I apparently read it wrong. I apparently read everything wrong.

Fuck men. Fuck love. Fuck the gods for fucking with me so much. When I die I'm kicking all of the gods in the nuts and goddesses in the twats... with steel toed boots.


  1. Well, being upfront about it is cool - even though it may hurt.

    Tell him you want a relationship, and if he doesn't at this point, you'd best just lay off, and not communicate with him for a while. Even though he's a great friend and really been there to help you through a tough time.

    Because otherwise, you risk the whole friendship because, really he DOES know already.

  2. How am I to be assured that he would continue the friendship if I drop all communication?

  3. Sarah, I don't want to interfere but are you sure you still want to be in a friendship with him? If you want more that he is willing to give you, it seems to me that to try to play at "we're just friends" when you want so much more would be agonizing. People do all kinds of kissy huggy stuff in the name of friendship, so it's hard not to read more into it than perhaps they intended. Then again, I think some people like to safely flirt in a friendship knowing full well that it's not going anywhere. If you are not up for such games, do you really need to be close friends? Just asking, and I am only going by what you have shared. Take care. Beverly

  4. He's the only person I can actually comfort me when shit gets thick, not like the others don't try. If I have a nightmare that disturbs me enough to need to talk about it, I can call him, regardless of the time.

    He's the only person I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of, and I'm sure I've stained quite a few of his shirts/jackets with my snot.

    He was the one I could go to when Mom was diagnosed, dying and dead and I was met with a soothing, compassionate voice, unlike the bullshit with Dave either not answering his phone, waiting 2 days to call back or being pissed at me for being in a foul mood because of the situation at home.

    Even now we can talk for several hours on the phone (like 5-6) at a time without running out of things to say. Get the two of us together, and it's the same, neither of us can shut up.

    I admire him for a myriad of reasons, including the fact that I don't have to worry about him trying to get in my pants constantly. He claims to see in me what I can't see in myself that I'm special to him for whatever reasons.

    And I can trust him to not lie... ever. He gives me the same loyalty and respect I give him.

    He's not an asshole, just frustrating at times. For all I know I'm probably rebounding anyway which would just hurt the both of us. The last thing I want to do is hurt him... ever.

    He is the only male allowed beyond every defense I have set up, he's farther than any boyfriend I've had and deservedly so.

    That scares the shit out of me. And he's only in the keep with 3 of my female friends. My keep is apparently a lonely, highly guarded place.

    So no, I can't bear the thought of him not being in my life, even on "just friends" levels and roles.