03 February 2011
Love, Lust, Infatuation... whatever.
Most assholes call it unrequited love. I call it the asshole doesn't see me for the awesomeness I am so the gods punish me and my weak heart with my strong need to find the one person who can make self-imposed isolation tolerable. I also call it "dude's being a pussy because he got hurted."
"I'm not looking for a relationship" means: "I'm too big of a pussy to try another relationship because the ex still has my balls in her kitchen; You're not good enough for me; I just like playing with you." A.K.A. Rejection for no reason other than pussification and the gods thinking it funny to make me the perpetual worthless friend.
Now, if I were truly an intelligent human being, which apparently I am not, I would never have violated my number one rule: Do not ever, under any circumstances open up to let the dick swinger really know how you feel. As per usual, breaking this rule causes pain. With this dude it is more and more difficult to hide my feelings and thoughts. I never had that problem with any of my exes, most likely because they would berate me for even having those damned things called feelings and emotions anyway.
I'm not even with the dude, I'm just pining for him. So why does it piss me off and hurt that I can't have him for whatever the excuse of the day is? Why should I be pissed and jealous that he "goes to dinner" with other females? Why do I think he's lying his ass off when he says he's not going out to get laid? Why do I fucking feel inferior to all these bitches he goes out with? Oh, that's right, because I am goddamned inferior and I know he is of nobler birth than I, me being perpetually poor white trash undeserving of a soul mate. Then again they always start out awesome. They all have flaws which I generally easily overlook unless they raise the "abusive, controlling dickhead" red flag.
Why should I be taking notice of the mixed signals he's apparently too blind to see only to know that sometime in the near future I'll be squashed to the ground again in a reminder that he isn't looking for a relationship or, even better, I'm putting the cart way ahead of the horse. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm not fantasizing about marriage or any of that meaningless bullshit. I'm just trying to savor every second of conversation on the phone, every minute spent together in the real world and every letter typed in e-mail.
So why do I think I'm fucking nuts for a) falling for this guy that has proven more than loyal and trustworthy, b) wishing he were mine and mine alone, c) continuing the friendship, almost needing contact with him, knowing that I'll "inadvertently" be hurt continuously with reminders of the fear of relationships, the dumbass thinking he's bad in them, that whatever the fuck I do makes him think we're "going in the relationship direction" to the point that I have no clue what the fuck to do anymore.
Do I just sit on the goddamn couch like a statue with my face perfectly glued to the tv and my mouth shut? Do I turn off all of my emotions? Do I limit myself to two syllables or less on the phone instead of in depth 3 hour conversations about everything? Do I hide who I really am, my thoughts, my feelings, my very fucking being just to make him comfortable? How the fuck am I supposed to read no resistance to snuggling, hugging, cheek kissing and kind words telling him how awesome he is in my eyes? Because I apparently read it wrong. I apparently read everything wrong.
Fuck men. Fuck love. Fuck the gods for fucking with me so much. When I die I'm kicking all of the gods in the nuts and goddesses in the twats... with steel toed boots.