I still feel rejected, thrown away with the garbage and worthless to him. When I hear "the feelings will never be there" it still finds its way into my brain as another attempt to tell me I'm not good enough to love.
It doesn't matter though. I'm only worthy of emotional and psychologically abusive men as mates. Oh, let's not forget lying pieces of shit. And with that I'll never find a man who will put me first, especially against the ex wife.
Being put behind children I can tolerate to a certain extent... the point in which the children do everything to keep me away because I'm not good enough for Daddy (Jim, Dave, ring a bell?) in their eyes. Needing a vehicle worked on is one thing, every fucking weekend needing repairs or to borrow the truck for moving stupid shit is over the line. That was Dave's grown children's favorite. Damn was it frequent.
Don't even get me started on grandkids. There is a reason time with Dave dropped to 2 hours every 2 or 3 weeks with no phone call between. I'd literally scour the obituaries of every paper I could access just to see if his name was in it because I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks. I see that happening with "him," being pushed so far away I may as well not exist, even as friends; my heart should stop, my last gasping breath taken, leaving me to eternal peace, a peace which I yearn for.
One of Jim's daughters purposely made a sign. It was black with neon "Keep Out Freak" written on it. She admitted that I was a freak and I was not worthy of breathing her air. This fucking kid did everything she could do to make sure I knew I wasn't wanted, liked, loved or welcome.
As if I weren't having enough issues with Jim suddenly going from hugging, kissing, cuddling and slepovers to empty promises, lies, deceit and new women - Jennifer being one.
She was obviously right when she said I should have killed myself when I had the chance since Jim did nothing to defend me. He just drank more beer and betrayed me in the worst way - by not being a loyal friend, by not defending me.
The more shit that goes on between me and "him" the more parallels I see in my past hellships. I would never be first. At best I would be 6th, behind children and ex wives, until grandchildren appeared, then I'd be behind them as well. The ex would be (and is) always right and I would be (and am) always wrong. I'm not even sure the kid I've met doesn't think I'm a psychopath. Ok, I am a psychopath. I can see why she avoids me.
I guess fuck therapy, fuck meds, fuck breathing, fuck my beating heart. Kill the living and envy the dead.
Then again, anyone that knows me knows the easiest way to kill me is through my heart.