19 February 2011

Bipolar Spending

Depression level: 9. Paranoia level: 4. Pissed off at self level: 10.

Anyone who knows anything about bipolar knows that one of the wonderful hallmarks is spending. Most call it manic spending, but I do both, manic and depressed. The spending is what has me depressed at the moment.

I am essentially a failure at life when it comes to my own money. My father will tell you that himself. Instead of saving every cent I got for financial aid I went on a spending spree.

$300 for a futon when I could have made my shitty couch last another semester or two. $400 for a Wii and games to help lose weight (I can at least see how many calories I've burned and it keeps me occupied). $420 for body modifications and tat designs. $300 or so for credit card payments, which means late fees. An ungodly amount of money for gas, and cigs. Overextending on helping with groceries = $300. $90 on medicine. And probably $200 on stupid shit trying to make myself feel better for a minute or two.

So now, I'm sitting here crying, replaying the "talks" in my head from Mom and Dad. "You need to watch your spending. You just don't care about anyone but yourself. You fuck up and we have to pay the price. You're a failure. Why can't you be like your brothers?" And now I have to ask Dad for money for the England trip which is paid for so I can at least eat and call someone special a few times.

Kill me now.

2 comments:

  1. {{{Sarah}}} I totally understand. After my first cancer episode I became a stress shopper. And it wasn't even for things I necessarily needed either, but it always made me feel better after I bought something. I'm not proud of this, but I'm pretty sure I was on my way to becoming a hoarder. I knew it and was trying to thin down some of my un-needed possessions, but I guess I wasn't taking care of it fast enough, as a house fire in July 09 took care of it all, as well as stuff I did need, even sentimental things that cannot be replaced.

    It's funny that until a long time after my second cancer episode that no one noticed how depressed I was. Then when I complained long enough, I was on medication until I retired, and not that the stress and office bullshit is not a part of my life anymore, I'm very level and off medication. But I did see a psycholist for a few years. She recommended books for me and while I didn't necessarily buy everything they said, there were always points that helped me.

    I was wondering Sarah, and you can tell me it's none of my business, but I thought you lived with your dad. Not quit getting why you needed a futon/couch. And I have no problem with you wanting or needing anything, just wondering.

    Take care,
    Beverly

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  2. I do. But I have a 3 room apartment's worth of shit to fit into one room. I refuse to sleep on a twin bed as I'm not a child. I was sleeping on the couch that I got a few years back but it was horribly tore up... which didn't help my sciatic.

    As far as wanting or needing things, that's where the problem is, I want a lot. I think that stems from Dad liking to use money as a control method. That's why I'm so isolated when we don't have classes during summer or winter breaks. I have to rely on him for gas money, which he won't give without verbally running me down and making me feel like shit so I don't bother. That's bad though, because as a bipolar, total isolation from real human contact is a bad thing.

    I would say I have a tendency to hoard, especially food products.

    For meds, I'm just waiting for mine to actually kick in. Weather, finances and medication adding up on me does not help at all.

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