I've spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart. ~Astrid Alauda
-listening to Nile-Ithyphallic-
Envy. My downfall. My eternal enemy. The source of much pain. The source of much frustration. The thing I hate most about me.
Sure, I could do the stereotypical "I hate my butt, can't stand my gut. Is that a pimple?" but that would be too simple.
And shallow. I can't have shallow, even though I can't look in a mirror for all of the grotesque imagery that glares back at me.
I hate my envious bones with a passion. They make me look like an asshole, like a psychopath, a freak of control. Envy has the ability to destroy relationships, friendships, yourself. It pushes those you care about far far away, never to return.
I'm aware that they say envy is natural, and a little is good. I'm failing to see the good in it. Maybe that's just my paranoia kicking in. So terrified of failing to keep the bad side in check that I end up destroying something good, driving myself insane in the process, and grieving the loss of another wonderful interpersonal relationship.
Yes I've been told I'm too hard on myself, just relax, don't think so much. Do you realize how hard that is, and how hard it is to keep some of these demons in line? Especially the more destructive ones. I have great friends now. I have some joy in my life. The medicine cocktail is working. Life is good. I'd like to keep it that way and not ruin it by some jealous rage or whining.