03 January 2011

Envy is bad, m'kay?

I've spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart.  ~Astrid Alauda

-listening to Nile-Ithyphallic-

Envy. My downfall. My eternal enemy. The source of much pain. The source of much frustration. The thing I hate most about me. 
Sure, I could do the stereotypical "I hate my butt, can't stand my gut. Is that a pimple?" but that would be too simple. 

And shallow. I can't have shallow, even though I can't look in a mirror for all of the grotesque imagery that glares back at me.

I hate my envious bones with a passion. They make me look like an asshole, like a psychopath, a freak of control. Envy has the ability to destroy relationships, friendships, yourself. It pushes those you care about far far away, never to return.


I'm aware that they say envy is natural, and a little is good. I'm failing to see the good in it. Maybe that's just my paranoia kicking in. So terrified of failing to keep the bad side in check that I end up destroying something good, driving myself insane in the process, and grieving the loss of another wonderful interpersonal relationship.


Yes I've been told I'm too hard on myself, just relax, don't think so much. Do you realize how hard that is, and how hard it is to keep some of these demons in line? Especially the more destructive ones. I have great friends now. I have some joy in my life. The medicine cocktail is working. Life is good. I'd like to keep it that way and not ruin it by some jealous rage or whining.

4 comments:

  1. Pro 14:30 A sound heart [is] the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.

    Envy really will eat you up. I have learned to be content with what I have, not through having much, but from having little. I learned to be happy when broke and homeless and having to rely on handouts for food; if I can be happy at that point, what, then, can possessions or friendships or even love add?

    But happiness is a state of mind, unaffected by sways in chemicals, unable to be ruined more than temporarily by events. Once found, it can be lost only if you forget it. A precious gem indeed.

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  2. I hate it when I find myself being envious in a mean-spirited sort of way. It doesn't happen often anymore because I've lived through some very humbling experiences and have learned to pretty much count my blessings and to be contented with what I have. . .but now and then the old green monster tries to rear its ugly head. I think it helps to realize that there are also those who envy you and would love to have whatever it is about you that they envy. We are all human with thoughts and impulses we strive to overcome, and that thought also helps me when I am faced with unwanted demons in my head. I'm really glad you have started this blog. I think it is a great way for you to help others and to see that you are not alone with the feelings you wrestle with. {{{Sarah}}}

    Beverly

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  3. I have to be honest :I envy people who are not mentally ill-people who can work full-time and still have the energy for hobbies and a social life. I do not hate these people or wish they would lose what they have. I only wish I could do more.

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  4. On the plus side: I do have enjoyable part-time work, and I do a little volounteer work.I sing in a concert choir. I feel that at least I am contributing to my community.

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