If you've been following my blog, or just know me, then you know that 2010 sucked diseased monkey balls for me. Seriously diseased.
The hardest was watching my mother waste away to nothing and dying from cancer. The Bipolar in me became so far out of control I actually considered locking myself up a few times. I was indeed more depressed and having suicidal tendencies far more than I should have been. The now ex-boyfriend was diagnosed with his own cancer. My college grades (which is essentially my lifeline) sucked because of the attention I had to put on real life. I've lost periods of the year in which I was so depressed or stoned that I don't remember them (and probably don't want to either). 2010 was essentially a Hatfield vs. McCoy feud between me and God. Mom died, and very soon after I had to endure my birthday (which was a special day between the two of us) and now 3 holidays (counting tonight's New Years).
Essentially Mr. Murphy's Law attacked me hardcore. If it could go wrong it pretty much did.
It did have great moments too.
I went to England again and had a blast. I gained some more loyal allies. I found out I can apparently hold my own with Ph. D.'s. (Yes this makes me feel good.) I figured out exactly who I can and cannot trust. Some of these that I can trust are the new loyal allies. I found out that people I didn't think even knew I existed indeed know I exist and for some sad reason like and accept me. I may have found my roots in Christianity again, but that is still on the fence. And I grew the balls to finally get suck up my fear of being alone and break up with a long-term boyfriend who didn't know how to give as good as he got... nor did he seem to want to. His cancer is also in long term remission... so he will live, and hopefully learn to enjoy life. I found out that some people appreciate my brutal, harsh, sometimes vulgar honesty and openness.
I got to show Mom how much I loved her by making sure she was taken care of in her deathbed. I had the chance so many people miss out on to tell her I love her (like a million times) and hold her as she crossed from mortal to immortal.
Overall though, I'm excited that 2010 is leaving and 2011 is coming in. I hope 2011 opens many new doors. May it give the mettle to deal with the inherent stupid people and low mood swings. May my muse sing to me even more than previously and give me the power share it. May it keep me compassionate and passionate.
Most important: May those that have truly touched my life for the good know exactly how respected and cherished they are to me. Yes, that's the latent I-Belong-In-The-Romantic-Period coming out.
And may it bring out my inner Marcus Cassius Scaeva. Rawr!
I resolve to lose 80 pounds, the correct way so it might actually stay off. This would drop me down to a healthy (if not a bit sexy) 150 lbs.
I resolve to grow the balls to actually put the stories, poems, epic poems and novels that are floating around my brain onto paper and possibly try to get published. I may even get the balls to send off my death/black metal lyrics to companies in hopes of them getting published as well.
For the love of everything good, I resolve to finally get my 4.0 with this Spring semester.
And I can only hope that I have enough of a safety net, lifeline and support network in place after the events of this last year that when the Bipolar does get the best of me, I can get it kicked before I get licked.
To those special to me, I love you. You are more of the strength that keeps me going than you realize.