25 December 2010

Christmas Morning: Update and more thoughts.

Med update for those who asked - Weds. had Dr. appointment. We decided to go off of Lamictal (since it sucks for me) and go on risperidone. Weds. and Thurs. I took 25mg Lamictal, .5 mg risperidone, and the usual 40 mg Lexapro. Went off of the Lamictal tonight and increased to 1mg risperidone. I have room to play with the risperidone. Apparently I can increase by another half if the whole doesn't work in a couple of days, and if that still fails, I can increase again to a total of 2 mg. Go back on the 10th of January. If I'm still cycling on Monday like I just did I'll increase to 1.5 mg risperidone. I've also taken Klonopin once since Wednesday. I'm trying to not rely on it, but damn sometimes I need the stuff just to get a couple of hours of sleep.

An hour into Christmas and it sucks already. At least I had a good couple of days of mania (you should still pity the poor friend who has to talk to me all the time).

I was in a great mood earlier, not manic, just in a good mood - although it can be difficult differentiating hypomania from a good day. Today I had another wonderful conversation with a loyal friend and caught up with one of my cousins. My brother and his wife came out and for some reason didn't piss me off like they usually do with their mere existence. We even looked at the pictures I brought back from my trip to England over Thanksgiving break together, and my verbal communication was more than grunting.

Not more than 10 before starting this blog I was in a great mood, laughing my ass off at Carry On Columbus, feeling satisfied with the wood burning project I did.

Now... well, now I'm on the higher end of depressed. It's not the risperidone, I only took it 2 hours ago. I'd say this is my normal rapid cycling. Blech.

I wish my brain would stop projecting things that trigger sides of me I don't like and can't seem to control well. Shrinks call it 'warped thinking.' I call it torture. I can usually recognize it for what it is, but most of the time it's after the damage has already been done to my mood.

I have an ideal of what I am and want to be as a person and the 'warped thinking' does not help me achieve it at all. I have to fight myself constantly to not slip into the person I was in the past; the person whom I fear is still inside me, the one that existed before the correct diagnosis, before the medications.

I don't know. Maybe Godrey in Kingdom of Heaven is right: You are not what you were born, but what you have it in yourself to be.

I'm going to go take a shower, find something chocolate to eat and try to sleep. Maybe that'll help me feel better.


  1. Thank you for sharing yourself with us....you know I love you...the real you...both of you....lol! Merry Christmas, dear friend!